Is my cancer back?

I'm going to probably make a run to my doc tomorrow. I'm extra crampy and sick and moody and the last time I was this sick, I had a cancerous cyst.

In other news....here, another talk with my ex. Enjoy. (And yes, he knows they are in here...he knows I like to reflect back on them and get input.)

By the way if you wanted to know why I view guys like I do right now...or what I'm looking for...or why I dont tell you what I really think of you...then this convo is a must read. I warn you, it's long.

Warren : roni, what's wrong?
Me: everything
Me: everyone wants to fuck me
Warren : well, if you need a shoulder, pick one
Me: that one
Me: everyone wants to fuck me but no one knows me to know how sick i actually am
Warren : /me gives you a hug
Me: and how...I am getting where I almost hate sex
Me: and.. gah, all my friends have benefits it seems
Warren : *pats you on the back* there there.
Warren : i'm not the kind of guy that just wants sex, you know
Me: that's not the point
Me: I mean... it feels like everyone thinks of me sexually or at least assumes I am sexual. Hell, my friend tonight was shocked that I've "only" slept with the # I have..what's up with that?
Me: and why.. WHY ...do guys all of a sudden want in MY Pants? Was there a redlight sale that I missed or something?
Me: warren, what did I miss?
Me: I mean I remember at one time when I thought no guy would want to kiss me even...and now, it's like "gee, who wants to be added to the list"
Warren : Roni, i don't know the answers to a bunch of those.
Me: you could humor me though
Me: so really I dont know what to do
Me: I mean, I'm scared of most my guy friends..... the few I do like, they confuse me.... and I'm not gf material
Warren : Roni, you need to keep your pants zipped.
Me: excuse me? I dont have sex as much as you think I do
Warren : I can only go on what you've told me
Me: no sweetie, you know how many guys...not how many times
Me: ya know, Josh "mr-guy-I-wanted-to-marry"..he only hit it with me 4 times.....so obviously I'm not exactly going around bangin all the time. I do have standards and morals. I am picky and I am perfectly happy without having sex.
Warren : Roni, a lot of guys are jerks. They just want to have sex, no matter who with. They also tend to not care. Don't ask me why i just came up with this, because i probably won't remember it in 5 minutes
Me: do you think I dont know that?
Me: why do you think my #1 quality I look for in a guy...is honesty? Because I KNOW guys are just out for a lay. And the ones that arent...are either taken, fuck with you, or are gay.
Me: Bradley once told me..that I was going to get where I just dont care and just dont feel. Well, he's right. I just dont care anymore.
Warren : Roni, I really can't comment.
Warren : To be honest with you, I don't know you *that* well
Me: you know, I never thought you'd say that...
Me: now will you finally take back the "I love you"s?
Warren : no.
Warren : i do love you
Me: you dont know me, warren...I'm fucked up. I'm having major issues.
Me: know what I think I want?
Warren : what do you want, dear
Me: A guy friend that's closer to me than my best friend. One I can tell anything and everything to...even if it's just about my ducks. One that I can talk to hours about nothing....one that can have all the benefits he wants and I know that he is a friend with benefits, but it's not going to fuck it up. I don't want a boyfriend. They just cause heartache. I want a guy that's a super close friend and maybe someday he could progress into more. But that's what I want. Is that so much to fuckin ask? I mean, why is it I can't find that?
Warren : no, it's not too much to ask, and you have every right to try and find that. I haven't the faintest idea why you can't find it, though
Me: because they either dont want to be that good of friends.....they just want to fuck.... or I'm scared to ask them
Warren : Well, don't be.
Warren : You shouldn't be afraid to tell somebody how you really feel
Me: Warren, YOU dont even know how I really feel about YOU
Warren : care to enlighten me?
Me: not particularly...
Warren : would you at least humor me?
Me: no but dont feel bad, i dont tell anyone
Warren : *sniff*
Me: boy, nothing works...dont even try.... now, back on topic
Warren : but you tell everybody else, is that it?
Me: no, I just let people think that...to be honest
Me: yeah people might have the idea of what I think of someone and that someone might even think they know...but in all reality, I never tell someone everything
Warren : Roni, that's part of your problem
Warren : you're not completely honest and open
Warren : Those are two key components of true bliss
Me: I was... this is a newer thing I'm actually trying ever since Nick has been gone.
Warren : say what you started to say before the ...
Me: I used to be like a book. I was too open though and that caused me to hurt more. Why tell someone how I feel about them when it's just going to get me rejected? Besides, vast majority of the time... them wanting to know, scares me more.
Warren : Roni, if it gets you rejected, then it wasn't meant to happen.
Me: Warren, if they are going to reject me, they shouldnt ask in the first place...but they do.
Me: do you not see my point?
Warren : I'm seeing it, but you're also trying to bury it
Me: what do you want from me?
Warren : I want to get to know *you*
Warren : the true Roni
Me: you know enough
Warren : I know nowhere near enough to truly understand you
Me: you have no reason to know all this though, trust me, it's not that interesting and I'd push you away far faster than you could get to know me
Warren : Roni, that's another problem. You push people away before they can get to really appreciate WHO you are
Me: I never said I didnt have issues
Me: I *CANT* let someone that close to me
Me: not anymore
Warren : You need to try.
Me: and if I did..I'd get attached to that person...
Me: I need stability....for me to trust...and that's not easy
Me: ya know, I almost challenge someone to break through... but they cant, because the few people I'd want to let close to me...they dont know that
Warren : All I can say, is you need to try to let somebody get to know you for *who* you truly are. You shouldn't hide stuff deep down inside, because it only makes it harder in the long run
Me: well I'm not going to tell them they can get close to me... so that's not happening
Warren : I'm not saying you should. Just try to let somebody get to know you for who you are.
Warren : the shell is irrelevant.
Me: i'm not stopping them...
Warren : even if it's some random stranger on Yahoo! Chat
Me: but I wish them good luck on getting passed my moods
Me: and chats are creepy....I meet guys on sex or swinger sites, duh..haha....anyway back on topic
Me: I just dont think it's worth the effort for someone to do all of that
Me: and I dont know anyone willing to try
Warren : If they truly love you, they will. I've been trying,
Me: warren, dont go into that
Warren : why not?
Me: that's a topic we dont need to touch
Warren : I've found the only way to deal with problems is to confront them head on.l
Me: this isnt a problem though
Warren : not trying to lightly go around them.
Me: warren, you having some....thing... for me...is not the problem right now
Warren : then what *is* the problem?
Warren : and be blunt about it. don't try to hide it.
Me: I want to find what I told you... and I'm tired of getting who I dont want, why cant who I want for once...want me?
Warren : It' s not a problem with you. It's the person that you're wanting.
Warren : maybe you're looking in the wrong places.
Me: maybe we dont need to discuss this anymore
Warren : that's up to you
Warren : if i've pissed you off, then i give my sincerest apologies.
Me: warren...
Warren : That was not my intention, nor will it ever be.
Me: warren...
Warren : yes, Roni?
Me: you're going to get on a path that you dont need to enter

...anyway, sorry that was so long... did that help some of you?

Oh and on another note...this is Prevention of Animal Cruelty Month