There's so much to talk about but really I don't have the strength and courage to say.

I was walking back here last night from Steak n Shake and it was raining. It was probably after midnight and it was cooling off. I'm not sure where exactly in my walk I started crying...but I know for the most part, my walk WAS just crying.

I thought about everything.

What I'm leaving, what I'm running from, what I want...

I thought of Josh and of the baby.

I thought of Warren and of Jack.

I thought of my old friends and friends I lost.

I thought of heartaches and broken dreams.

I thought of this ring I still have and that still makes me cry.

I thought of how the guys arent like I thought they'd be.

I thought of the stuff Bradley had said.

I thought of how I never know if Nick is real or being a dickhead.

I thought of Dann and his sensitive soul.

Of the guys and of Justin, and of all the bad bad holes I now have.

I thought of drinking and of frats.

I thought of my future, I cried of my past.

I thought of James and of my newer mistakes.

I thought of my hickey and how I wish I could cut around it and fix it.

I thought of it all.

What path am I on?

Am I a bad person?

Why am I undateable?

I cried, I walked, I thought of it all.

I thought of Elisha and of the knife.

I thought of old flames and Brandon dying after we had a fight (literally...car wreck)

I just thought and thought.

Then I thought of my cutting and the suicidal thoughts.

By this time I was back here and in the shower. I watched as I accidentally cut myself shaving. I saw the blood run down the drain and thought of all ...oh so much...pain.

I wanted to scream.

I wanted to run.

Right now I feel like I'm lost...no where do I belong.

I have a major chip...a major void...I don't know what's gone or if it can be found.

But I'll go on another time...for right now, this lump is in my throat and I soon will cry.