I wanted to die when I lost her

I wanted it to be me that was gone and not her.

Yesterday made 3 months and I didn't write in here about her.

But it's been eatting at me all day.

I feel like I should have said something.

I'm sorry, Annastrianna.

So like I did last month...I'll update the entry.

Here...hell 3 months and one day later:

The things marked off in quotes was one month later...and with \\ was 2 months later. This month is ~~~~~~ and italicized.

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Today makes a month since Annastrianna left. I'm just...yeah. I didn't think it'd be this hard. Today is my last final, otherwise, I'd have just found a way to not wake up and somehow skip over this date."

\\ Well, today is now 2 months. It's not as hard. It doesn't hurt as much.

~~~~~~~~~~ Well 3 months later...it's getting easier but around this time of month, it's not as easy.

"I wonder if anyone even remembers it's been a month. No one will mention her. they're scared "it'll hurt me"...but it hurts worse to think they could have forgotten her."

\\ Most have forgotten this is the two month. In a way, I'm glad. I don't like the reminders.

~~~~~~~~~~ No one mentioned her. I think I AM the only one that remembers...except Josh. I'm sure it's stayed with him.

"Josh had ended our friendship a few weeks ago. And I bet it doesnt cross his mind about his own daughter and it kills me."

\ It's been a while since I talked to him. I don't know if I cross his mind, but I have the feeling Annastrianna might...especially since Sunday is Father's Day. You know, for mother's day, Jamy wished me a happy one. I asked her why. She said "you don't have your baby, but you know you are the mother of her soul. She's in heaven and you're still her mother." So, Josh, Happy Father's Day. Sometimes it's so tempting to call to just hear that you're alive. But I guess you want your space and I respect that. I just hope that someday we can be friends again. Or at least able to say "hi" once in a while.

~~~~~~~~~~Josh did email me one day. I don't know what's going to happen with us. Maybe someday we can be friends...but I don't know. I do feel bad for it though. He was a good friend.

"I don't know what I'm going to do...I just don't."

\ But ya know, I survived last month and I'm sure it'll be easier for now on.

~~~~~~~~~~I survived another and now I've moved on some. I have Warren.

"I'm quite certain that I'll post in here many times today."

\ You know, I never did.

~~~~~~~~~~ I barely mention her in here now...I feel guilty in a way.

"There's nothing else to do with the pain."

\ I don't cry anymore. I'm scared I won't stop.

~~~~~~~~~~I cried over her today. But it did stop because I realized...I may have lost so much but I have a new start at so much...

"I have this poem in my head, it goes on and on, it never ends."

\ Yeah, it's back again.

~~~~~~~~~~Yeah, still there...

"Today is still hell...just a month later."

\ Today isn't really hell...but circumstances are.

~~~~~~~~~~Yesterday was brutal...but not because of her. It was because I hurt Nick. This really isn't my time of month, is it? :S

"Worse, I'm bleeding today. Heh, could I have a reminder any other way?"

\ It so happened that my period is today. I'm going to probably always get this reminder around the 18th b/c my pills put me on this schedule.

~~~~~~~~~~I swear I'm jinxed. This month I had an extra period and today I've been cramping out the ass...gah....

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I'll probably post about hell again next month because it eats at me otherwise.

Until then, I love you, Annastrianna. Rest in peace.