First off, before I say this...let me make something clear. I love James. I really truly do. He's exactly what I want and I couldn't be more content.

Anyway, today...I saw him
I knew him from the back of his head and I had to see his face. I thought I was imagining it. But no...it was him. He was in a hurry. He saw me...and he froze. Of course, I had been frozen too...stuck in time. Thinking. My mind racing. My heart beating. Was the world still spinning? Then he waved. I waved back. I don't remember lifting my hand. All I remember is seeing him smile and knowing I had waved.
No words were spoken...as he turned and walked away.

It had been almost 2 years since I last had seen him.
He had once offered to let me give my child his last name. He was going to make a sacrafice for me when it was Josh's err...not his.

For a moment...I had paused. I was lost in time. I thought of that day. I thought of when I last saw him. I thought of how he had proposed it all. I thought of him. I thought of me.

It was then I noticed he was caring baby boy clothes. Does he have a child? His father? His sister? Who? I don't know. I didn't ask. I don't want to know.

I just know...that for a moment, I thought about what my life could have, would have been.
I was frozen as he looked me square in the eyes.

It wasn't until I saw him walk away...that the numbness truly kicked in. I was in a daze. I was lost in the world spinning around me.

Then I realized I had given him up; I had said no to his proposal. We hadn't talked since. He was the guy that "could have" been. The one that "would have" been.
For a moment...this sting rushed over me.
Then it passed as quickly as it came and the numbness returned.

Mom just laughed. "He was your first love."
"I know...but..."
She smiled warmly..."I know, it could have been you."
..."yeah...it could have been"
"Then why not?"
"Mom, it just wasn't right. It wasn't meant to be."
"And James?"
"James is who I want now."
And she just smiled at me.
And he was out of sight.

I just want to say...I think the reason I was so caught off guard was I didn't expect to see him. I can't say I regret the decision I made. I'm totally happy with who I am and I hope he makes a good life for himself.
I absolutely positively love James and I want nothing more than to be with him.
So I guess you could say...maybe I'm glad I had made the decision to give my first love up. I think today...seeing him, I knew I had truly let him go.

Now where is that box? I need to throw some things out...