I don't know if it's hormones.
I don't know if it's the time of night.
I don't know but this is how I overwhelmingly feel.
Today is now December 8th. Last year today I lost my virginity. After that things went bad with Josh and everything happened.
This is how I feel RIGHT NOW:
*I* pushed Josh away. *I* lost him. *I* ended the friendship even. *I* lost the baby. *I* broke down. *I* went nuts and wanted to die. *I* went to rolla just to try to run from it. *I* used warren to try to forget it all. *I* dated james just to get out. *I* dated nick at first for the wrong reason. *I* fell for nick knowing it'd be hard since I was his first. *I* am the reason we both left Rolla. *I* am the reason his parents hate me. *I* am the reason for so much...dont you get it? It's my fault...it has been....it IS me is why I'm going nuts. I'm jealous of babies, of Josh, of everything. Hell, I'm so jealous of THE WHOLE STATE OF KANSAS b/c they have Nick. I am so selfish and I hate it. I just...I hate me really.
A FUCKING YEAR LATER ...and look at me....still like this, only worse.
I've had 3 positive pregnancy tests and I can't reach Nick.
I can't do anything.
I need Nick to know.
I need to know things.
I need to know what the hell is wrong with me.
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I'm going to find a way to see Nick. But what if he dumps me? Even yet, what if he dumps me and I'm pregnant?
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG THAT THIS IS HAPPENING ANOTHER YEAR???
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I can't handle this.
I can't do this.
I can't go through this again.
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Please God,
don't let me lose Nick.
Don't let this happen again.
Please
End this cycle.
PLEASE
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Somebody
Anybody
HELLO
HELP!