Dear Roni,
Watch out! I fear you're losing touch with yourself. Things right now are not looking up. You have incredible news to tell Nick and you can't reach him. But don't worry, you know in your heart he loves you. Even if it's not working right now...you two will ultimately fix it. I believe in you both.
You're worrying yourself sick. Now stop it. You'll reach him soon enough. You'll see. He's doing alright.
I know his cell is never on. He keeps it turned off. He doesnt need it on so he doesnt have it on. He doesnt check his email much and but now you remember the right one.
I know you're scared his parents will yell at you if you call the house. And I know you're miserable and miss him.
You want to tell him so much. You want him to know you love him. But you can't. You have to accept that he knows it and pray you reach him someday. Don't panic, Roni.
I know you're scared. You're afraid you'll never see him again. I know you feel so much for him and you worry that he feels you're just a learning experience.
Roni, life isn't fair. One day everything can go right...the next, you've lost it all. Stop being superficial.
You've tried so hard not to screw it up. But maybe you've tried too hard. You're so scared his parents will break you up, but maybe that fear will break you up. You're scared. But the fear will only cause what you're scared of.
Like he had said, you went to throw water on the fire and instead got gasoline. He said it about a different situation, but it's the current story of your life. Step back and for once let someone else put out the fire. Let someone else pick up the can. Let someone else be in control.
That someone is God. And you've lost him. You gave up on him. It was not too long after this time last year that you lost all hope.
You said you lost your heart when you lost Josh. You said you lost your soul with Annastrianna. You said you lost your spirit and then yourself.
No. Roni, don't you see? God doesn't work that way. When you stopped being selfish, he brought you Nick and for the first time in almost a year, you had your heart back. Fight for it, don't let it slip away. But even if you lose Nick, you won't lose that heart. It's stronger and it'll be each time it comes back. Nick is your heart. Love him now and remember no matter what, God will renew your heart again.
You didn't lose your soul with Annastrianna. You gave it away. You gave up on God. You blamed him. You have to accept it. Every time you look at Danielle, you feel that need for Annastrianna. Let God have your soul again and someday, someday, you'll feel that old soul feeling again. But you have to let go and give it to God first.
Your spirit was gone because you quite believing in YOU. Stop wussing out. Stop leaving school for bad reasons. Step up and don't be scared to be who you want to be. Nick believes in you. Believe in yourself. You can do this. Once you see God won't let you fail, you'll get that spirit back.
As for losing yourself, no. You lost a part of yourself. After your breakdown, you felt less complete. A part of you is missing, right? That part is God. Get that relationship back. Until then, you'll never be complete. Find yourself. God won't let you down.
I know this is all hard and it's easier said than done, but you'll see this will work. You have to trust me.
That is the first step. TRUST ME.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Roni