GOD GOOD.

EVERY FUCKIN' TIME I THINK I FIGURE OUT WHAT I NEED TO CHANGE...I STILL MISSED SOMETHING.

EVERY TIME I THINK I'M GETTING BETTER, I STILL MISSED SOMETHING.

FUCK.

Worse part? I never really saw it until Josh blantly said it.

I am talk...I'm not action.

I tend to do something, but my actions are what count.

WHERE THE FUCK HAVE I BEEN ALL THESE YEARS?

I could go back to ...whew, way back and see all the times I've done this and never noticed.

Maybe that's why everyone was shocked I got my cartilage pierced because for ONCE, I actually did something I intended to do.

I left Quincy because I intended to.

I had even went there because I intended to.

Now, think of all the times I intended to want to give Josh space...or how I wanted to leave him alone...or not smother him.

He's scared of me moving to Quincy for fear that I'd smother him.

Those words hurt.

Deep.

It's too late to change all I've done.

It's too late to make things right again.

It's too late to un-ruin his life.

It's too late to not be pregnant.

It's too late.

I screwed up beyond help.

Worse? I still smother him.

I still hurt him.

I still do all the things I had intended to change.

How the fuck can he trust me?

How can anyone?

I hide behind my words.

My words are all I have.

For years, while others took risks and chances, I found reasons not to.

I hid.

I let my words "save me".

But no, those words destroyed me.

Fuck this so called "writing ability"...even if I had it, it's not a gift, it's a damn curse.

Fuck this indecisiveness.

Fuck this living in fear.

Fuck this all.

I'm not scared of just risks.

I'm not scared of putting things on the line.

I'm scared to live.

I'm scared to be alive.

Words.

I hate them.

I'm so good at hiding and then refocusing the blame.

Damn, I'm horrid.

I want to be the person that I know I can, but I don't know how to get there.

There's so much I have to tell Josh...yet maybe it really DOESNT matter.

"Show" dont "Say"...

How?

How can I show him I'm trying when he can't see me?

How can I show him I understand now what the pain feels like when he's not around?

How can he see that I'm truly trying when he's no where to be found?

How?

Here it is. I'm not going to email. I'm not going to call.

I'm not going to write.

I'm not going to speak at all to him.

I'm not going to listen to the rumors.

I don't care about those fuckers anyway.

If he wants me, he can find me.

If he wants to talk, he knows where I am.

If he needs a friend, all I can do is try.

It's going to be hard, but I think maybe this will work. This will show him that I am trying.

I don't want to smother him.

I don't want to be selfish.

But those are just words.

Now, I have to show him.

I go to the doctor on the 22nd, I might contact you then to tell you how it goes, but no contact until then.

It hurts to see you go.

I know now I have to trust you.

I have to let you go.

I can't hide you from the world.

I can't.

I do support you though.

I do pray for you.

I do know you'll get thru this.

You're right though, I can't keep doing this love/hate thing. I have to pick.

Well, I can't hate you.

Why hate the thorn? After a while, it'd just stab ya :P Kidding.

I choose to love you.

I choose to befriend you.

I choose to let you go.

I choose to leave you alone.

It's a hard choice...

you know that.

But I had to choose.