Josh,

The things your about to read are things you don�t want to hear. It�s going to upset you, anger you, even maybe hurt. You�re going to probably say �no� and �please don�t�, but I have to say it, Josh. Somebody does. Please don�t just stop reading the second you get upset�please read this through.

I�m married, Josh. I got married. You ask, to whom? But you already know and are scared because it�s to you. Yes, I talked to some preachers about it. We ARE biblically married and the way we went about things�it sealed the deal. We went before God and made a promise. We vowed. We are by all definitions married. In older days, this would have made us legally married as well. The way we behaved and the things we said on December 8th, made us married. The fact that it was emotional and not just raging hormones and the fact that it wasn�t a one night stand�they made it more than just a sexual experience. They made it more than a sin. They made it�a marriage. I�ve contemplated telling you all the preachers said. But you may try to say �no� or �Roni, stop��but I�m sorry, it�s true. I am bound to you. You just haven�t realized you�re bound to me, too and sooner or later it�s going to hit you. God is bigger than us both, Josh. And you know that this isn�t something either of us can run from.

You say you�re happy now and probably think that if I truly cared, then I wouldn�t invade on your happiness. But it�s not true happiness, Josh. Some day you�ll see that. You know, we weren�t �normal� and just had sex�no we had to make it marriage, didn�t we? Heh�I�m so sorry�yet, I�m not. I meant every vow. I meant every promise. I meant it all. Emotional or mood swings�regardless�that is something I will never be able to break. It�s not like we can just say �let�s end it� and you can�t just disappear. You�re a Christian and you know that you can�t just run from God and run from your problems.

This baby isn�t a mistake. It isn�t a problem. It isn�t something to obligate you into marriage�because, you�re already there. You were far more obligated to make it legal before I even got pregnant. I once said that I wouldn�t marry just because of the baby and I meant it. Even yet, I don�t have to. We ARE married regardless of if you like it or not. Yes, I do feel obligated. Yes, I do feel it�s the right thing to do. No, it�s not just because of the baby. No, it�s not just because I �have to��it�s because it�s right and I want to and deep down, you know it too.

I�m not saying that you�re forced into anything. I�m not saying that at all. I didn�t say this to anger, hurt, or even upset you. I said this because you can�t keep running from the truth. I said it because you have to know and somebody had to tell you. Now what? Well, I�m not saying marry me in eighty years. I�m not saying give up whatever you think makes you happy. I�m saying think about it. Think about what we�ve done. Think about our promises�our vows�our marriage with God. You can�t just void it and if anything, our child proves that.

I�m not saying this to trap you and I�m not saying this to hurt you in any way. But I want you to give serious thought to this. It�s not something someone else can talk to you about. Talking to your buddies or whatever isn�t going to solve it. No one can tell you what to do and you already know the answer. You�ve known the real answer all along, you just didn�t like it. When you make things right with God�when you fill out his wishes, then you�ll be truly happy. The devil can fool you into anything you want to keep you from fulfilling God�s wishes. Even if you told me to �fuck off� after you read this, even if you tried to get me out of your life, you can�t. God is so huge Josh and you can�t just make this disappear. There is something we have to do. There is something we have to truly talk about. There is something bigger than us both and bigger than this baby. It�s time to stop running, Josh. It�s time to start thinking. It�s time to start praying. It�s time to start figuring things out. Don�t be selfish or upset. Don�t be scared or confused. Don�t run to someone for the answer. It�s within you whether you like it or not. I�m sorry Josh�this is how things are. I�m sorry if you don�t like it or if you�re not happy. But until we do what we have to, then you�ll never be happy and you�ll never be able to fully accept anything. Please think about this. Please realize you have to face it and the sooner you do, the better. Don�t try to ignore this�it won�t disappear. The more you run�the worst it�s going to get. I�ve had to deal with hearing this�now you have to, too. Let me know what you�re going to do.

~Roni