Last night, a great person died.
She was loving and caring.
She was moody and a bitch.
Uh...confused yet?
Well, she had felt like she had really come to her breaking point. She had no where to turn and nothing left to do.
You can't help someone when they don't want help and even if they DO want help, that doesn't mean from just anyone.
I'm not sure what snapped me out of it. I don't know if it's when the knife slipped and started to enter me slowly or when I heard Josh's heart breaking.
He didn't want me to hurt OUR child. It's just, it's one thing knowing he accepts the child, it's another when he says "our"...that sorta got to me.
I don't want to hurt my baby. Our baby is going to be just perfect. Annastrianna/Alexander is going to be beautiful and full of life and if God takes him/her before (s)he's born, then it was because he wanted a new angel.
Oh Josh, get better soon honey. I feel so bad knowing how sick you are. But thank you. You pushed aside your feelings to try to help me. You wanted to save me and our child. You do care and you're still my best friend. I didn't mean it when I said "I hate you"...it's just sometimes I hurt so bad. It does hurt me some of the things you say and do...but you know, if I died, it would hurt you far more than I even realized.
I do love you and I love our baby. You'll be an excellent father and we'll share it's life.
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Kevin- I love you too, snuggle bunny. You're a great guy and an excellent friend. Don't cry anymore. I'm going to be ok. Even if it does mean we get married next week :P...
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Julie- I love you, Jedi. You are so good to me. You're a better friend than I could hope for. Thank you for so much love and support. You're awesome, "Auntie" Julie, you really are.
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Susu- You feel unappreciated or unneeded? Which is it? They are distinctly different. This wasn't something you could solve and I'd be lying if I said you really helped very much. Yes, you're still my friend but you can't help with everything. Sometimes, it takes something else or someone else and you can't control that.
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Brandon- You know, you're the last I really would have expected for the story you told me yesterday. It's awesome that you care and want to support me even if I do only see you once a week. Darned "Bad" Centralia Boys :P
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Luddy- Hey man, you can breathe easy. I'm still sorry I didn't know about your brother. Man, I feel stupid. But, you'll always be my favorite Ryan.
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Wendy- Long time, girlie. You can make me laugh even if I'm down with some of your emails. You care and it matters. I know you may feel a little uninformed on this whole thing the last couple days, but realize it was something I knew you couldn't help and I didn't want you stressing.
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Mariah- Yes, you can ask me whatever you want. No, I probably won't answer :D
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Stace- Wow, support from Canada. w00t. Rock on, Girl. You made me feel a lot better yesterday.
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To The People That Feel Unheard- Um, either I didn't like your advice or you pissed me off somehow. But hey, you could be just one of the "silent" helpers that I'm too lazy to list. So don't fret.
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Sheryl- You had no right. You have no right. I don't have to answer to you. Get that through your head. You're Josh's momma...not mine. Funny how you changed some feelings and words about me-Josh-baby aint it? I was pissed at you so bad. You're lucky I can control my words. Next time, you won't be as lucky though. Watch what tree you bark up.
Look, you may care and you may not. You had really hurt me with some of the things you said to me at first. It hurt, bad and stung deep. You don't have to be ashamed at me or Josh. You don't have anything to be mad about. Josh and I are responsible and will work things out and take care of the baby. Don't question that. We will do the right thing. I'm not trying to sound bitchy, but you had really ticked me off. I appreciate it, in a way...but you really are going beyond what you need to. Please, step out some. Ok?
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Joshua,
Honey...friend...daddy to be...thank you so much for listening to me. It meant the world and you made me see. You care and you're my friend. I could never push you away and you'll always be there. You love me and I don't think it's just in the way you say...so, ha. :P Our child is going to be beautiful and it's going to love us so much. But, hey, do you have to like tomatoes so much? C'mon, I need a break from those suckers. I don't hate you and never could. I love you, Josh. Our baby loves you, too. A/A isn't the only thing I have afterall. I have friends and even if they come and go, I will always have you. Thank you for that. Thank you for forgiving me. I won't give up hope on us...it's not possible. Even if you don't think so or see it today...we'll be together. You'll see. Please, please feel better. I don't want my favorite daddy-to-be feeling sick. I do want to see you. I want you to talk to our child. (heh, crazy, eh?) I won't hurt you anymore. I won't hurt A/A either. You both mean the world to me.
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Annastrianna/Alexander,
Baby, I love you. I'm sorry you've had to feel the pain I have lately. I want you to only have the best and feel good feelings. I believe you feel what I feel and I never want you to feel that kind of pain again. Your daddy loves you and you'll soon get to meet him...I promise. He'll talk to you and feel you. He'll tell you how much he cares. But no matter how much he or I say, we care and love you even more than we could ever express. We're both new to the parenting field, but we'll do our best. Life isn't always fair and sometimes it feels like we have no way out. Baby, you do have other answers. Your daddy and I are here to help you. We're here to love you and we always will. If you decide to become an angel, then we'll never quit loving you. You'll just be our special angel, and you already are. The love we had helped to make you and you're going to be absolutely beautiful. I'm going to keep singing to you nightly and talking to you, too. I never want you to feel alone or ignored. We both love you so much. Please, stay strong and keep fighting. You mean a lot to us both.
Love,
Mommy