Josh,

I thought about it again last night. I was laying on the floor, crying, and I thought about it. Then, I thought of the perfect way. I dug out my knife and just sorta laid there. All I could hear was you saying "no" and "Roni, please don't do this" and I thought about you. You would never understand. I thought about it some more and realized it WOULD hurt you if I died. I thought about how scared I had been. I wanted you to know about the blood. I wanted you to know about the cancer. I wanted you to know about everything and I didn't even tell you.

I don't know any other solutions right now...I don't. But I didn't do it. I don't want to hurt my baby and I don't want to hurt you. But then I thought about it and realized, I came so close to losing my child. I don't want that and I know you don't either. I'm going to try to rest. I'm going to try to not worry. But I don't know if I can without your help. Please, just let me explain about my fears, about my health, about why I thought death was even an option. Please, just give me that. I don't know what I'll do if I lose the baby, but I do know that I don't want to hurt you. Then, I realized...you didn't start acting worried and saying "no" about the suicide, you acted more worried when you learned I COULD die from something else. Then I realized, you truly are my friend and not just to keep the blood off your hands. You do care and you do want me to stop hurting. I just hope I'm not still hurting you. I just wish I knew what I could do.

You have no idea how many things are going on right now and I don't even know what's going on in your life. You probably think I'm selfish because yesterday, I never even asked "how are you?". If I had to make a list of the top 3 things I care about...the baby is first, your second, and I might be third. I can't decide if I'm on the list or if Socks is...heh. The point is, if I died right now...I'd be hurting the top 2 on that list. I'd hurt my baby and I'd hurt you. But then I got to thinking...if it was dead...I'd only be hurting you. Obviously, my mind is still a blur and I'm scared and confused. I'm begging you, as a friend, please respond to this somehow. Tell me how you are. Tell me what you're feeling. Tell me what you think. Please. I don't want to hurt you. And Josh, yes, I still love you...the reason I end everything with that is I want you to know it. I want you to realize I love you and don't want to hurt you. Although, I'm not so sure if I should. Does it hurt you when I say it? I mean, your voice always changes just a tad and I never know if you're upset that I still love you or if it hurts when I say it. Oh, Josh...please talk to me. Please help me figure some things out. Please?