It all started around puberty. Something wasn't right. I was far too emotional. I started having far too many mood swings. But puberty affects everyone differently so maybe it was too early to tell. Over time, I worsened. My parents started to comment on it, but being a young girl with a changing body, the last thing I wanted was to be 'not normal'. I tried to hide it; tried to 'blend'; but something wasn't right. Time went by and my hormone problem worsened. Stressors caused the release of the wrong hormone and the more I'd hide it, the worse it got. I started losing friends. I got insecure. I couldn't think straight. Before I knew it, it was all a constant extremem. I was either too 'up' or too 'down'. After a while, my 'ups' even grew into 'downs'. Nobody wanted to tell me. Nobody wanted to help. Yelling or saying 'something is wrong, that's not normal'...didn't help. I didn't want to go to the doctor. I didn't want to accept the truth. I was scared and not in the right state of mind to make that decision. I lost more friends and started really screwing things up. I couldn't stop, and worse, I usually never saw what I was doing and even if I did, it was once it was all over. Junior year came and so did important decisions. I had to plan my life, but how could I? Nothing made sense and I had no one to turn to. Finally, I accepted it as who I am. I decided it wouldn't be a 'problem' if it was who I am. If I was indecisive, if I was moody, if it's who I was, then it wasn't a problem. I spiralled down. Things worsened until I finally broke. I hurt so many people. Worse though, I hurt myself and never even saw it. Now here I am. I started really seeing my problem when I was with Josh. I couldn't hurt the love of my life, but I did. He blamed it on low self-esteem or my dependency on others. He probably even felt he triggered it some of the times. I had to fight it. I couldn't hurt him...but, I did. I promised him things I couldn't promise. "I won't..." "I promise..." "I'll try..." "I will..." No matter what I thought I could cahnge, I couldn't. I never saw the entire problem and it wasn't something I could just fix on my own. Now, I've lost him, too. I have no one. He was different, though. Unlike others, he loved me through it. He loved me at my worst and now that I can get better, he'll never know. I'm so sorry. I'm going to fix it, you'll see. I've got nothing else to do and no where to go but up. I've lost everyone and everything. I even lost myself. I'm not sure how to fix it and all I can do is believe that it's not too late. I keep praying that someday I'll be fine and people will forgive me and maybe Josh will even be my friend. There's no way I can begin to explain or make it up to all I've hurt and I'll never accept that. All I can do is try...because it's all I have left. Fixing my problem is the only solution. I'm getting help now. I'm on meds and seeing a counselor. I'm already improving and God, I wish Josh could see how much he meant and helped me.

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What was it I do though? To the others? How did I hurt them?

I smother, I push, I drown them.

I get overwhelming and overbearing.

I get so moody and indecisive, they can't handle it.

I then manipulate it for them to think it wasn't me, but it was them.

They can't stand it and they give up.

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I'm better. I'm working on it.

If only you could see me now.