I finally snapped. I finally spilled the beans. Poor Pat had to hear it. But the truth...I did it for nick. Nick is why I left UMR.
You see, he couldnt get out of aepi, he was miserable, he wasnt happy and he felt like he couldnt leave alone....so I found a reason to leave...I found excuses....so when I said I might leave, he finally started discussing what he really wanted with his life. Suddenly, he realized he COULD get out....so we both left.
But....I told him in the end even that was why I really did it and I cried...and he cried, that someone cared so much....but then, I was miserable....so miserable and I couldn tell anyone the truth
*cries* see why I'm so stupid and a fuck up?
I dont know if he really used me, I dont know if he really cared or not...I dont know anymore. Either way, he wasnt suppose to date me, he wasnt suppose to be with me and the guys terrorized him for it...so it was my fault he was in bad, and I wanted to fix it...that's why I sacraficed my life to try to help him...b/c It was sooo bad on him. I thought I was the stronger one, I could handle the changes...I could cope...I could be fine....but I wasnt. I just fucked up and I'm so stupid and *cries*
I feel like I fucked his life up too.
So, I don't know what to do with my life.
I just know, I'm a fuck up.
I'm such a failure sometimes.
I'm such an idiot.
I'm so....so....*cries*.....so stupid.
All I know is, I fucked this one up and I really really dont know how to fix it.
I don't even know if it can be fixed.
Hell I don't know what "it" is.
*cries*
I don't know anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I'm the fuckup that shouldnt be here.
Just...*cries*...help me?