There's so much I want to say, yet I know I can't. I can't write it down. I can't tell it to people. I just have to know it, feel it, remember it. I know I should be able to tell Josh anything, but yet...some of it has to remain untold. I haven't even told Wendy a lot of stuff, that's odd for me, I like to talk. I like to tell how I feel and what's going on. I just can't.

So much is different now. So much has changed. Things I use to view as soooo significant mean nothing now. The little things don't go by unnoticed now either.

I don't know what I want to do after high school anymore. I just don't know. I'm considering being a counselor for adolescents, but I don't know. I don't even know where I want to go to college anymore. Truman...MACC...MU...I just don't know. I mean, do I even need to know yet?

I skipped school today. I just wanted to. I don't know, I just didn't want to watch the SAME movie in two classes, play games, and do nothing. I hate those little games teachers want you to play. UGH!

Josh...how did I pull this off? How did I get a guy like him? He seems so gentle, so kind, so sweet, so...everything. He's so different from me, yet we are alike. He's smart, yet I don't feel inferior. He's great. I feel safe with him. I don't think he'd hurt me. No, I KNOW he wouldn't hurt me. I know he's scared that he's gonna scare me off, but I don't think it's possible. I'm not saying he's perfect or that he'll never make mistakes, I'm just saying, as for right now, I don't know if he could possibly do anything to scare me off. I don't want to lose him. I want him to stay around for a long time. He doesn't like when I worry about breaking up or when I think I'm gonna screw up. I'm trying not to worry, but with me, it's not very likely. However, between the kind encouragement from Josh and Wendy, I'm sure I'll overcome most of that.

Josh knows me. He knows ME. He knows the me that I don't want anybody to see. He knows more of me than the me that I want others to see. He's seen me. He knows my little mood changes. He's seen my hyper...he's seen my happy...he's seen my pain...he's seen ME. He's seen the REAL me. It's scary that I can let him in on my little world. I want him to see me. I want him to know me. I can't hide from him. I want him in on the little things that make me special. I want him close to me.

Love? Do I love him? I mean...really love him? Is it too soon? I don't know. I don't think there really is a time set when it comes to love or any strong emotion for that matter. This isn't a crush...it feels to different. I want him here so bad. I want him. I don't want him to ever leave. I hate it when he's gone...yet, with him being out of town, it's better in a way. It's more based on trust. It's more about communication. The time I get with him means soooo much more.

Things are different now. I view everything differently. It's like I'm a new person. Rejuvenated.

I saw Andy and Jake when I went to see Lord of the Rings with Josh. I looked at them and couldn't remember why I ever liked Jake. Was I more shallow? Josh is so different from them. They are just pretty faces. Josh is so much more than that.

I've found pleasure in small things. The simpliest thing...like a dancing hampster...can amuse me for hours. I don't stress about things as much. I didn't even do this one essay for AP English. I just didn't want the stress. I am able to find joy now. I don't know when I was so happy...so free...so ME.

I've finally learned to "loosen up". I don't sweat the small stuff as much. Yes, I still analyze everything and worry about a bunch of things...but I've improved a LOT. Do I attribute this to Josh? Wendy? Chris? I don't know. I just know...there is a new me. I normally don't like change...but this time, I welcome it.

I am learning to move on and accept things. The other night, I cried for hours about Corey. Just recapping the whole Elisha thing brought the tears. I finally was able to accept that Corey and I don't have a future. There is no possible way he and I will EVER be related. You know what? It really was hard for me to accept that at first. He was a first love. I can admit it now. I had loved him. REALLY loved him. I can really let go now. I can really move past him. I'm sorry for being mad at you at school the other day Corey...but I've finally moved on.

I can't believe it was so hard for me to get past Corey. I've finally done it though. It hurt, it really did. I shed many tears over him.

Goodbye Corey I won't forget you. I don't think you ever forget someone you loved...especially not that first someone.

I'm looking forward to each day. I can't wait to see what the day brings. It's like I'm living for the moment now. It's all new. It's an adventure in itself. I'm getting to know ME and letting Josh in on it. I'm happy. I really am.