If you were to ask me a few hours ago, what I�d be doing right now. I�d say anything�anything but this. So, what am I doing? I�m crying. I�m crying and I�m punished. See, tonight was the children�s Christmas program at church. The problem started when Mom tricked Dad into going. See, first off, Daddy use to be the most religious guy you�d meet�then the conspiracy came�he got his feelings hurt�and he quit going to church. Well, he hides in the balcony when he goes. So, what happens? Mom is embarrassing, as usual and sits there �don�t squirm, don�t move, don�t talk��heck, can I BREATHE???? She�s there telling Samantha this and flash backs come back to how when I was little, I was afraid to even blink in her presence. Robbie wanted to get away from her. Heck, I wanted to get away. Anyway, so he wants to sit w/ my Dad. Of course, I know Daddy and I know that once Robbie�s songs were over, he went to the car. I know him. He did the same when I had programs. Does Mom believe me? NO. So she yells at me to take Robbie to the balcony. She�s making a huge scene, everyone starts staring and she starts talking about how I�m horrible and never listen to her. So, I drag Robbie to the balcony to find I was right, yet again. Dad wasn�t there. So, Mom makes a huge ass scene about how stupid my Dad is and starts practically tackling me to get out of there. So, we leave with everyone staring. The kids that were performing even got quiet and just looked at us. So, was I upset? You bet I was. Was I embarrassed? Very much so! Gee, why didn�t she just change my diaper there, too? All the way home, Mom lectures me about how bad I am because I didn�t jump up when she said. She makes me sound horrible. I couldn�t possibly be a Christian because I was too disrespectful. Thanks, Mom. Flash backs started coming. I remembered how she had always treated me. She wasn�t like this to sisters. I was the different one. I�m the one she never liked. She always wanted me to be exactly like her. NO, I�m glad I�m not. Anyway, I couldn�t hold it in. I mean, I�m not going to say all the things Mom has done to me. She�s destroyed almost any self-esteem I could have. The point is, I cried. Slowly, a tear started to roll down my check. I couldn�t stop it. Oh, too late. They saw it. They saw my silent tear. BUSTED! So, what happens? Aww�let�s yell at the brat for crying. Let�s punish her. Punish her. Condemn her. Go ahead. So�I had to clean the kitchen, do the dishes, play Cinderella. Oh, but then I�m in trouble because I wasn�t �responsible� and didn�t do all that earlier today on my own. Oh, when was I suppose to? When Dad was in there working on stuff? When I was watching the kids? When I was keeping the line free so Becky could call since she was in the hospital? When I was finishing wrapping presents FROM you guys that you all are too lazy to wrap? Hmm? Oh, but I should be in here thinking �gee, what can I do to worship my Mother today��right? Bull. So I�m standing there, holding back tears�and by golly, they just started coming. I think I�m grounded now.

I don�t want to be like my Mother. They say you�re like your parents, but if I am anything like her, I swear, I don�t want kids. Hell, I don�t wanna get married. I might end up like her or Dad. I�m doomed to be alone�To be miserable. Oh, that would make them happy though. They would be blissful that they had a better life than me.

I wanna get away from here. I wanna be me. I want someone to love me for me. I want someone to really care.

Friends care. Really? Most of them don�t give a monkey�s behind if I jumped off a cliff. I have maybe 3 that really care. I tend to annoy the hell out of them or do little things to bug them though. Sorry, you all. Thanks though, I love you all too.

Josh. He cares. Are you sure? I don�t deserve it. *not worthy* yet, I think he does care. Thank you, Joshua. It means a lot. It truly does.

I�m screwed up. I can�t concentrate. I�m numb.

I have my ups,�I have my downs�.right now, I�m rock bottom.

Don�t try to comfort me. Don�t try to care. Leave me be, that�s what I need.

I just��I wanna be able to cry without fear. I just want to cry.

Please, let me cry.