Now..about the relationships....Corey is a prime example. I loved him and look at us now...we are nothing really.He was my first big screw up with guys..and there was a chain reaction after that. He was the first guy I really loved,yes loved. When he finally asked me out for the first time,I was 12. I was scared to death.I couldnt believed that someone I cared so much for felt the same for me. SO I put him to the test.Literally. I made it up as we went and the last part was for him to run into a tree 10 times fast. I was JOKING! But he insisted he wanted to in order to "prove his love" for me. He stepped way back..got a running start..and BAM! right smack into the tree. He started bleeding, I'm not too sure that he doesnt still have a scar from it. But anyway, I agreed to go out with him. I lay awake that night thinking. I was asking myself "what do I do if he doesnt really like me?"..."what if we break up?".."what will he expect from me?" ..and stuff like that until I reached the point that I was so scared that I called him the next morning and told him "I must have been half a sleep or something..because I'd never date you". Yes, I actually said that. As much as that hurt him, it still hurts me to remember that pain. After that it pretty much seemed useless for me to date a guy I actually cared about and struggled with that for years. Of course,the fact that I had a huge problem and rush with death by a guy named Elisha didnt help me much. And for those of you that didnt know, Elisha IS actually my ex. Bet you all would never have guessed that! (feels good to finally put that out in the open)....

Elisha was very abusive. I still have scars on my back from him. December 12, of my 8th grade year, I had my rush with death. He was mad for one thing because I wouldnt let him run over me much anymore. I wouldnt sleep with him or suck him either. That really ticked him off because he was use to getting who he wanted when he wanted. The fact that Corey and I were getting back together just added to his anger. Then Erica was mad and told him that I yelled at her even though I hadnt. Erica was his stepsister. She was mad at me because she had wanted Corey (her cousin) to date her friend,and I was getting w/ him. Therefore, Elisha had all he could take. He snapped. He came at me with a screwdriver (hey,who knew it was a deadly weapon?) and he started at my neck...anyway to make the story short...that night haunted me for a long time.The first time I saw him after that, I thought for sure my life was going to end. The thing that sticks with me most though,isnt the pain or the scars..it's his eyes. The look of pure evil, heartless, so empty,so angry..so full of hate. My heart still stops when I think about them.I use to see them in my nightmares and even when I closed my eyes. It was haunting. I'll admit that it still sometimes gets to me. But that helped make me untrusting with guys. That scarred my relationships permanently.

I'll admit that I've had several boyfriends..but nothing has really been very serious. I think the only guy I actually loved was Corey. I mean, I acted like I loved Jerry Brown,but nope..only Corey. Corey was my first love and my first heartbreak...and he's broken it several times. I've heard many times that I fall fast and fall hard. NO..I dont. Just because I talk about a guy doesnt mean I've fallen for him. Love is a very serious matter to me. I may form crushes quickly..but that's just it..they are crushes.

Then you look at me now. I wasted a year liking a guy that doesnt even know I exist anymore. Then when I did start to move on..I move onto a guy who was insecure. He was "confused" (wow,I hear that one a lot). I don't think he knows what he wants yet.Call me impatient,call me what you want..but I cant handle this.

This is why I say that there is no such thing as a relationship when you are referring to me. There really isnt. I mean,Corey is in my past. So is Elisha. Who's next? What's from here? I really dont know.I'm not sure when I'll really have a good relationship. It could be years from now..or it could be tomorrow (which I doubt). I don't know...but wish me luck!