These old posts are relevant so neh :P
I backtracked in this. Here's what I found (and be sure to note dates). I edited them to only include the interesting stuff.
Oh and why am I doing this? because I thought it might be interesting to review my past with him ....now that there's a future:
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Read this entry first. Note the date. Oh the *blahblah* is just a bunch of stuff not related to the part I wanted you to read.
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Welcome to UMR | 17/08/2004 | 10:41 A.M.
Wow.
That's it...just wow.
I got to Rolla ok on Sunday.
*blahblah*
I met James. We'll come back to him.
A group of us (Dann, Dave, James, J, and Ray) had lunch together. Then I cancelled my plans with Dann and Dave (awwwww) to go to the park with James.
It was such fun.
Then later James and I went to this fire tower thingie. It was soooo beautiful up there. The view was amazing. But after the sun went down, we couldn't see the stairs good so we went and sat in his car and took down the roof and stared at the stars. It was so relaxing and fun.
Afterwards we went to the DTD house...since he is in that frat. I was shocked actually. I thought it'd be so different. It's really an ok place and the guys are awesome.
We then went to TJ for me to meet Nick. He never said a word and to be honest, I didn't recognize him. I could totally tell though the guys don't like fratty boys. I feel bad b/c James wants to sorta know them and they blow him off like he's nothing. So I left a little upset.
We went to the Triangle party. No one was there. So we left and went to hang out until some DTD guys decided to hang at the party.
We went back and I had a blast. Oh my gosh, they are sooo hilarious to watch. I mean, hahahaha...it was such fun. I even stole Andrew's hat and made him beg in front of everyone to get it back. But mostly, I just got to know James.
I won't lie, I got drunk off my ass and today I royally feel it. So James stayed with me until he saw I'd be ok and then we came and hung out in the lobby. Gosh, he's so nice to me.
I was sad to see him leave but I know he's coming over today so it's ok. I really have this sincere interest in knowing about him. I have to figure these frat boys out ;)
After he left, Andrew came over and we had this drunken slumber conversation in the lobby. Really him just listening to me ramble and him just yawning and getting a headache. We talked of my day and of the guys. He's a friend and it's nice.
But man, I couldnt sleep. I'm all sweaty and I feel like crap.
James, get your ass over here and comfort me. Haha.
But I must go...my bed calls me. I really feel blah today.
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Now read this one.
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Is It ALWAYS About The Boys? | 19/08/2004 | 6:06 A.M.
Sooo James didnt talk to me at all today and I don't know if it's just the whole he's scared or if it's he's avoiding me or if I did something wrong.
Nick can be a jackass though and he claims he talked to James. In which case, I get this horrible sinking feeling that he finished ruining whatever it was I didn't quite finish.
I didn't have any alcohol nor did any frats really talk to me. Swirls did a little though.
I havent decided about rush.
Also, I met Kent today and a few others.
I just don't know though anymore.
Things are so complicated and I just feel like looking around and with tearful eyes saying "what the fuck"
I can never reach warren either and most my moberly friends are becoming non-visable.
I spent some time with Sandy tonight. He is a nice guy and he can become a friend. Problem is, I guess most the night I talked about James.
I'm just so damned confused.
I ...guess....I already miss him.
*shrugs*
oh well, I stayed up until 6 am again. go me.
I just cant sleep.
Nothing is right.
Everything's a mess.
James, I'm so sorry for everything.
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Now just observe name of entry and date
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Crying the Rain | 20/08/2004 | 3:57 P.M.
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Read.
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Is That So Much? | 26/08/2004 | 9:00 P.M.
so...I just called James thinking I�d try one last time to see what was up..
he was rushing off the phone b/c he was waiting on a call from his grandma anyway so I asked if he was avoiding me and he just said �um, I�m refusing to answer that right now� and then he�s like �I gotta go, bye�
ya know, I really truly and sincerely dont know what I did wrong
I just wanted him happy.
I can even accept if he never like liked me and is back with Carol.
I just want to know what I did...is that so much to ask?
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And
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Kneed For Reality | 27/08/2004 | 1:04 P.M.
I fell really bad...I was upset after I passed James and sped up..and hit the ground just right and fell and banged up my knee severly and had to go get it all wrapped at student health and it's been bleeding through and they say I might need stitches if it doesnt stop soon.
So I feel really dumb and it hurts...but I learned my lesson.
1) Get over James
2) Don't think of boys as much
3) Be more alert
Mommy, mommy...my knee hurts :(
/whine
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Fast Forward.
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Nick Monthiversary | 12/10/2004 | 1:13 P.M.
*blahblah*
Gah, I hate James right now.
*blahblah*
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Fast Forward.
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Colon Cancer! | 22/12/2004 | 7:36 A.M.
I can handle my cancer.
It's ok, because I am the one with it. I am the one that knows the progress and all the risks for mine.
It's ok, because it's me.
What's not ok is now someone very dear to me thinks he has colon cancer.
I dated this guy (sorta) and he meant so much to me and I cared about him...and now this.
I don't know what to think or what to do.
He's too young to have to go through this and I know this one is taking a huge toll on him.
I talked to him and on the phone even you could hear how much he was hurting.
I can deal with me and I can deal with family, but I'm not quite sure how to deal with this.
Heh, maybe I'll detour into his town today while I'm in the KC area....who knows. Either way, I'm not going to let him go through this alone. Trust me, it's too hard and scary...but I don't even know how to accept it.
So any of you...that fear over my cancer, how do you do it? How do you deal and not freak out in front of me?
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And.
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SOMEBODY!!!! | 23/12/2004 | 8:53 P.M.
I pulled an "old Roni". I push away people. I do it to all. See I need James in my life as something, anything...I need to talk to him from time to time and now I'll never even know if he fucking dies from this crap....and ya know what? that's me. that's how I work. I screw up everything. I am a walking, talking, manipulative, stupid fuck.
All I ever wanted was to get over the guilt and be his friend. I hated how we were physical at first and I felt like he just wanted me for ass. Yeah, he says it's not true, but really? Is it? I mean does he ever talk without wanting ass? I mean, when we're not flirting, we're fighting. WHAT THE LIVING HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
I can't keep doing this.
*blahblah*
I never meant to push James away.
I never meant to hide my feelings from James.
I never meant to lose James.
I never meant to ...
I never meant to ...
I never meant to ...
WORDS!
FUCKING WORDS!
"I never meant"
I...I ....I
IS THAT ALL I AM? FUCKING WORDS????
*blahblah*
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Fast Forward.
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...Can I keep him this time?