Where are all my Christian friends when I need them?
Wait, do I even have Christian friends anymore? ...Now that's scary to realize that most my friends are either fallen like myself...or not saved at all.
And then...well let me just give you an idea of how my night is going... but before I do, John- I hope you dont mind me putting this in here but it's really important to me, the convo we had, and I wanted to save it to reflect and give more thought on.
Now back to giving you an idea:
John : Hey girl, what's up?
Me: crying
Me: feeling like a bad person
John : Why?
Me: having guilt eat at my guts
John : All ya gotta do is be truly sorry and ask god for forgiveness, if that isn't enough for you, go to confession (even if you aren't catholic) and I'm sure god will forgive you, and you will feel better.
John : Just don't hold anything back or be even a little bit dis-honest :P
Me: I called bill but we got cut off b/c he was traveling....and I'm gonna call him back tomorrow.. .but then my mom asked me to call his dad for her...so I did...and lanny gave me like this big sermon on life... and he's going on and on about how bill is a virgin and never done anything bad and I couldnt very well say I have so I'm sitting there thinking about how horrible they'd think I am if they only knew the stuff I do... so now anything I've ever done my entire life that was sinful... I'm feeling guilty for
Me: I was saved when I was 7 and I did extremely well being a good girl.... I actually believed God would strike me down with lightening when I lost my virginity since I wasnt married..... but somehow after that, I lost it...I started slipping... then I went through my breakdown and thought God hated me....and it seems no matter how much I try and try and try to get like I used to be...I cant...it's like I actually do good a month or two and get worse than before
Me: so I feel soooo guilty that you cant imagine how bad I feel
John : :(
Me: and I know God works in mysterious ways so I KNOW there's a reason that Bill is reentering my life and I KNOW that he'd like make it his personal goal to bring me closer to God... but gosh.... I just.....I don't know what to do at this point
John : You should do what you feel in your heart is right....
Me: that requires crying myself to death
John : no
Me: my head and my heart totally disagree on God sometimes
John : Hmm...
John : Well, you just have to do what you know is right...
Me: I dont know what that is anymore
John : Read the bible, and speak with lanny about it.
John : lanny is the guy from highschool?
John : Right?
Me: lanny is my dad's best friend.... and I cant speak to him b/c that would require me to fess up to all the stuff I've done and I dont have the heart to tell him
John : ok
John : what was the kids name that you went to school with?
Me: uh....which one? You mean the one in Rolla that helped me with getting closer to God again? or my friend that is Lanny's son?
John : your friend that is lanny's son
Me: Bill
Me: but before you say it
Me: I cant talk to him about this.....we're just now talking again... I could never ever tell him that I'm like this now
John : Then I think you should go to confession.
Me: cant... I have a personal problem with confessionals. 1. being that I dont think non-catholics should go to them and 2. being that I dont get the point of saying 'Hail Mary' and 3. being that I dont see how that one preacher/priest/whatever he is..is any more special than talking to anyone else
Me: but ya know...I was raised in a very strong "Baptist Good...Catholic Bad" atmosphere
John : lol the only thing about confession is it gives you someone to discuss it with, who is going to be all supportive and tell you that it is okay, as long as you truly sorry for it.
Me: but you know.... I'm not sorry for some of it and I'm sorry that I'm not sorry for it ...instead of being sorry for it
Me: does that make any sense?
John : yes, it does.
John : You know you should be, but aren't, and are sorry for that. :P
Me: exactly... and that's why I'm confused most the time
John : Hmm...I don't know...
John : Well, fornication doesn't actually break any of the commandments...
John : ...if that helps any...
Me: but... fornication leads to lust... and also I was taught that thinking about doing a sin is just as bad as doing it
John : This is true. If it's done out of lust, then it's not good....I wouldn't degrade making love like that...it isn't just sex...it is making love...and when you think of it as "fucking" or "screwing" or just "having sex" then I think of it as degrading and just not good...
Me: right but I dont know of "making love"... when I lost it, sure it was out of love and he loved me and all but even then..he made it dirty..he made it about just the sex..... and so I dont know how to truly "make love" and most the time I dont even think love exists anymore and that in itself is very bad
John : :(
Me: ya know it wouldnt be so bad that I've drank or smoked or had sex before.. .but the point is...obviously if I hide the info and am ashamed of it..then somewhere, deep down, I know it's wrong
John : yeah
John : Well, I don't think that drinking is wrong...
Me: you're suppose to get drunk on the spirit and not on the vine....
John : jesus him self made 40 jugs of wine (each jug was almost as big as 1 man if that tells you anything)
John : You're right...
John : (he made them for that wedding)
Me: but... if you research it...the wine they drank back then was soooo low alcohol that you couldnt get drunk if you drank it all day long
John : I don't know
Me: it was originally just for a drink....like we drink soda...and not for drunkenness
John : I just made some wine off of the cheapest lowest yeast, and it came out at about 8% And all I used was cherry juice.
John : (and yeast)
Me: yeah but also this... if you're drunk then you're thoughts are impaired and you're more likely to sin and that's why I think it's wrong
John : This is true.
Me: ya know if I wasnt ashamed to say tell Lanny...then I wouldnt think I was doing anything wrong
John : yeah
Me: so if I can just figure out how to get rid of feeling ashamed...I'd have it made
John : lol
Me: I think honestly that if I just start talking more to my Christian friends...then that'd make a big difference... and I need to change that yahoo group, I myself dont even like having the adult pic folder and I did it to humor people and that was wrong of me
John : yeah
Me: oh and a side note...kinda off topic....
Me: Lanny was talking about how bill doesnt want a gf.. .but I think if that's true then Bill would have said that instead of saying how he wished he had someone lol
John : yeah lol
John : Or does he want a b/f
Me: trust me...he's straight
John : I'm sorry...I didn't mean that one.
Me: I know but you got me to laugh and that's good... I havent done that in a few minutes :P
John : :D
Me: oh so....the reason I called Lanny in the first place was Mom wanted prayer for her step dad... they dont think he'll make it through the night
John : That's not good :(
Me: yeah....he had part of his lung removed....came out of surgery doing great... then took a bad turn...then was ok again....now is on even more machines and just doing awful
John : :(
John : That's not good.
Me: yeah... my Grandma had died when I was 7...so I didnt see this guy so much over the years... but he's been coming around more (before his surgery) and it's like having my "PeePaw" back... I've tried not getting too attached but ya know it just kills me to know how bad he's doing....and I dont think he's saved and that makes it sooo much worse. I'm suppose to go see him tomorrow (if he's still alive), but I don't know how well I can handle it.
John : :(
John : I'm sorry
Me: it's ok...it just feels like soooo much is going on right now
John : yeah
-------------------------------
So in conclusion....
John...THANK YOU! Talking tonight made me feel a lot better :)
Bill....I'll be calling you soon and oh my gosh I hope you dont read my journal.
Lanny....I know you dont read this but your poem touched me tonight...obviously.
PeePaw...Get better soon :)