When exactly did I get this dumb? Was it after Josh? Nick? Was it after Alden had stood me up originally? Or when I was dumb enough to meet Hank? Or even Jay? Or was it when I convinced myself that I had no other option BUT to check into swingers? Maybe it was when I joined swinger sites? Or posted bad pics of me? When ? When? When? Or how about when I met Scott? Or kept seeing him when he was married? Or how about that Anthony guy? Or Dean? How about Bob? Was it when I'd make out with David and Bob in the same night? Or go from Dean's cock to Bob's? Or how about when I started drinking more? Or tried pot? Or how about Marc? Or maybe, just maybe, I've always been this dumb? How about Kevin? Or aggreeing to be his mistress? What about having slaves? Or convincing myself that it didnt matter that I hated Kevin's lifestyle? What about when I said it'd be different with me? Or I changed me? What ever happened to Warren? What about Tim? When? What? Why?

Josh- I'm sorry I ever slept with you. I was doing so good waiting for marriage. I just, I was scared I'd lose you. I've hated you ever since. I sincerely have. Especially after how you ruined something that was to be so special. Then of course cheating on me didnt help. Someday you'll learn there's more to life than sex. Oh and for the record, you were the worst I've ever had.

Nick- I knew it was about sex with you, I really did...but I wanted it to work so badly. But I'm sorry I tried to use you to fill the void that Josh had made. Who knows, maybe someday you'll actually get noticed again by another female.

Alden- I do forgive you, really. But did you honestly think you could prance back in like nothing ever happened? Do you think I'm naive?

Hank- What the hell was your deal? You're not that cute even. You didnt have to be that way just because you got rejected from having sex on the day WE MET for crying out loud!

Jay- You are such a liar. I know you're still married. Gah.

Scott- A part of me is relieved that you havent talked to me lately. Another part of me really wants to call your wife and tell her everything and all the times we did things.

Anthony- You're just like Hank in my eyes...get over yourself!

Dean- You told me that you were a swinger and open with your wife. That's funny how she still doesnt know you've already met me and had your fun.

Bob- I don't think I'll ever truly get you. But I do understand now why you're "evil bob"

David- Are you still alive? Have you taken a shower yet?

Marc- Watch out before you become obsessed with sex.

Kevin- I was told you were married. That's why I was so mad at you. I dont care if you are or not, I am really hurt that you dont have the nerve to at least tell me the truth.

My slaves- Please, dont be so submissive your whole life. Learn to be your own person. Seriously, most of you make me friggin ill when I think of how idiotic you can be. Oh, ps...to Kevin's slaves....he wants to ruin your marriages. He gets a thrill out of it.

Warren- Way to go...disappear. I thought we were friends and you've just been lying to me, too. Damn it, Warren.

Tim- You know, I got off of this sex kick. My morals had kicked in. I had 6 partners total...that's 6 too many. I lied to you about some of them, too. You're a jealous one, but I do care about you. Although, I'm hurt. You said we'd no longer do swingers or open relationships...so I gave it up. It was hard. I took myself off of all the sites (that I could find) except for one. Why not that one? Because on c4p, I still had a couple regular friends that I was wanting to say goodbye to. Today I learned something though. I logged into it for the first time in a long time to see if my friends got my goodbye. Then I notice this:

Last Logon:
11 days ago.

It's funny...why are you still checking c4p? Hmmm????? Mr. give up swinging? How much exactly ARE you lying to me about?????

I dont know if I'm hurt or mad or if I should be. Afterall, I havent been 100% open and honest either...but gosh, ya know, at least I stick to my word.

No man will ever tell me how to live my life. It's MINE. MINE. I ruined it enough by following Josh. Nick didnt help either. I'm not doing that again. I'm not dropping MY LIFE to be with some guy that is way below what I am.

So let's get one thing clear and get it clear now...be honest with me and most of all, you better be deciding what you want, because I know what I want and trust me, I'll get it.

Right now though... guys arent hitting a good note with me.