You know, this morning I totally cried over Nick. I was puking...and not from being sick, but from morning sickness and I totally started crying. I kept thinking "this isnt fair, here I am, puking my guts out...and Nick doesnt even know. But would he give a damn? did he ever care at all?"

I've considered calling him...telling him...making sure he knows...but why? IF he cared at all, wouldnt he have called by now? Or would he? What if it did hurt to ditch me and he thinks not talking to me will make the pain leave? What if he wants to convince himself that he never cared so it wont hurt as bad? But what if I'm just making excuses for him? I'll never know. But do I even want to know?

I feel like I have no one to talk to about this. No one knows how my fears are...about how I fear that I could be pregnant and I'd lose this baby like I lost Josh's twins. No one knows how I'm scared that I'll never talk to Nick again or if I do it'll feel awkward like it does when I talk to Josh. No one knows how I'm scared I cant even carry a baby to full term b/c of what my doctor says. No one knows. No one knows how scared I am. I'm scared, ok?

It's not the same this time. I know the fear of losing a child, hell two of them. I know how it is to be the "disgrace" amongst the circle of friends....to have a father that would rather hit you than ever hear a good thing about the baby's daddy...to have your mom cry at night because she's upset in you. I know how it is and I dont want it to be like it was when I was pregnant before.

Nick isnt Josh. I know he wont be there for me, neither was Josh...but at least Josh sorta kept up with the pregnancy.

Yeah I have a higher chance of losing a baby since I miscarried before, but who cares, right? I dont know if Nick even knows for sure. I dont know if he'd even talk to me. Does he even need to know? I mean, really? He's not going to be there to know if it lives or dies...or if it's a boy or girl...or it's name....he wont know. He doesnt care, right? So why tell him? Why hope that he might care about his flesh and blood? Why hope that he might want to know? Why hope that he wont be like Josh? Why hope? Why?

Can anyone answer me that?