"Roni, what's going on? I never get to talk to you anymore. What decisions? What are you doing? Are you ok? What's up?"

That's part of an email I got.

You know, I still haven't responded to it. Actually, I have like a folder called "ASAP" in which has a pile of emails I still need to respond to. Heh. No desire or need. But I do respond to some.

Hmm...they all ask pretty much the same things.

"How are you feeling?"

"How are you dealing?"

"What is going on with you?"

Maybe I should just answer, ay?

Hmm...how am I feeling? Well, I don't cramp as much and bleeding is more rare. I am still sick and nights still make me want to die because they are horrid. Sleeping is no longer in my vocabulary and rest isn't really either.

How am I dealing? Dealing what? Drugs? I'm no crackhead. Ok, ok, I know. You mean dealing with the loss of Annastrianna. I'm not nearly over that yet and to be honest, I'm not going to talk about it much. I can't. I just can't talk about it. I cry and I don't want to cry. I'm scared I won't stop.

What is going on with me? Hmm...I work. I avoid people. I try my best to drown myself in work and school. I flunked a math test, that took it's toll. I KNOW that stuff, damn it. How did I get a 53%? Oh well, he's letting me retake it. I don't know how I did that bad. I swear, I know this stuff. Dude, what's my engineering school going to think if they decided to accept me and then they see that I suck at math? AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I have to get rid of Socks.

Blacky is dying. He's old.

My kittens are getting bigger. They are so cute. They seem to like Bradley though...strange, strange little kitties.

I avoid my cell phone. It rings. It rings some more. Then, rings again. I don't answer. People leave messages...I don't call back. It's that simple.

I don't want anything to do with anyone really.

I'm not a good person and "The Reason" by Hoobastank is like the song of my life.

I have some nice bills I need to pay. Don't worry my cell phone is only a little over $500...I only owe my credit card place like...$600 more...and $200 to Mystics for my collection...and $100 to my bank and...$35 to Susu...and...my magazine subscriptions are due soon...not to mention, I have other bills and my student loan interests.

Heh. Oh well.

Why stress over that when I could stress over death? Heh.

Ok since I'll be busy most the night and busy tomorrow and busy Friday and busy this weekend, I'm going to at least TRY to post again later to tell you more. Isn't that nice of me?

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"not all scars show, not all wounds heal, you can't always see the pain someone feels...I've made my decisions, it's live or die, i just left you out of my life...it's bleed to feel or bleed and die"