You know, I only wanted to talk to him because I feel like he's involved. I mean, yeah, if it weren't for "US" (yes, me and HIM) then yeah, I would still be a virgin, I wouldn't have gotten pregnant, I wouldn't have had the miscarriage, and I wouldn't be facing this surgery decision.

I felt like he was involved though and truly wanted to talk to him.

I guess that was even too much to ask.

I can't find him.

I've been going nuts.

Then I thought, well, what if he's hurt or something is wrong.

It was then I realized, I'd NEVER know.

His mother wouldn't tell me even.

No one would.

I'm sitting here and now I AM going to be selfish.

I lost my child.

I have to have surgery and I'm fucking scared.

Actually, I've decided I don't want the surgery.

I'd rather risk dying than have it.

What's the point, I mean, seriously?

Fuck it.

I'm hurt.

I'm alone.

I'm suffering.

Isn't that enough?

I guess not.

I guess I still haven't gotten all I deserved.

I guess God isn't done punishing me.

Let's face it, this physical pain doesn't mean shit. I don't care if I'm bleeding to death. I don't care if I'm cramping. I don't care.

This emotional scar will never leave.

I don't want to live with it.

I don't.

Not all scars show,
not all wounds heal,
you can't always see
the pain someone feels.

Fuck this place.

I just want my baby back.

I just want things back to how they should be.

I killed Roni off.

She's gone.

She can't be back.

The one she is becoming, she's not that great.

She's not going to love.

She's not going to trust.

She's not going to be happy.

She's not going to ...live.

I'm tired of this rollarcoaster, too.

I'm truly trying to give you room, Josh...but I thought you'd want involved on this. I thought you'd care. I'm sure you do...but I wanted to talk to you. I wanted you to say it'd be ok. I wanted you to say if you'd rather me be possibly infertile or die. I wanted you to SAY it.

This is beyond inane.

I mean, after talking to Sheryl, I realized how much he has kicked me out of his life. "He doesn't tell you how much time he spends at Katie's house."

"He doesn't tell you how to reach him once he gets his apartment settled."

"He doesn't tell you how to get a hold of him or how he never stays in his room."

Yeah, thanks for sharing. I KNOW. I'm not his gf, so it shouldn't matter, right?

RIGHT?

Wrong. It matters because I was something more. I AM something more than just a friend. I was the mother of his child. Whether he likes it or not, we share a bond that can never end. We were each others first, we made a baby, our first child, we lost that child. We have a bond that can not be broken. Annastrianna was it. She may be gone, but that doesn't kill that bond.

He knows I dont like big decisions. He'd say "it's up to you in the end"...but I don't want this to be.

I wanted it to be his choice.

I did.

He got me to this point, now he can help me figure it out.

Damn it.

Listen to me, I sound so bitchy.

I'm just...cramping and bleeding and want to figure this out.

I lost my baby. I want her back.

I feel like it's soooo my fault.

I just want Annastrianna.

I'd have been a good mommy,

I would.

I may be immature or indecisive at times, but damn it, she would have had a good life.

I would have given mine for her.

I still would if I could have her back.

I feel like God hates me.

I feel so unloved and hated.

I feel like a failure in so many ways.

I don't want someone to tell me that they're tired of talking to me, that I don't listen. "You hear, but you don't take it to heart"...yeah, I don't. I can't. I'm scared to take anything to heart anymore.

I lost my heart when I lost Josh.

I lost my soul when I lost my baby.

I have NOTHING left. Don't you see that?

I want my soul back.

I want my spirit.

That's what I want.

I want me to be gone though.

I don't want Roni back.

Who can stand the bitch?

Who can stand her moods?

Who can stand her indecisiveness?

Who can stand her selfishness?

Who can stand her whining?

Who can stand her not listening?

Who can stand her?

Fuck you, Roni.

This world is soo overrated.

Life is so unjust.

Love is so fake.

Emotions don't mean shit.

Feelings lie.

People part.

Everyone dies.

The world keeps spinning.

The grass will still grow.

They don't need me here.

Leave my story untold.