Have you ever hid something from someone that truly deserved to know but you didn't tell them because you were scared of what they'd say?

"i'm not trying to be mad at you. i'm just..dammit, I'm pissed at all the goings-on that brought you to this point. I'm hurt because I watched you go through all this. Roni....I'm scared that I may come home one day to find that you're not there. I'm scared that I may have to say goodbye to you and never ever see you again. That genuinely scares me and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit back and watch it happen!"

Bradley told me that.

Yes, you're not because you're not going to know. But, you're not the one I'm hiding it from, either.

Bradley, you care, but you're not the one that is seeing what's going on.

DC, yes, you care but you can't make me do something I don't want to.

Susu, I don't even know about you anymore. Girl, you're confusing me.

Chris & Aubrey, why can't you see that you can't actually "say" something to make me stop my thoughts? Even if it's not logical, it's how I feel.

Brandon, FUCK YOU.

Guy, FUCK YOU.

Will, FUCK YOU.

Anyone else want to be bad and say something like "I knew you'd lose the baby so you could date me." or "Once a slut always a slut, you'll get knocked up again soon." or even yet "It was a mistake anyway, you didn't plan it"...or "You'd have been the worst mom anyway"...shall I go on? NO. Don't be like one of those three guys I just mentioned. They can go fuck off and burn.

Interesting convo with Josh. He's worried about me. He should NOT be. He's missing the whole story.

Fine, you want to know how much this could kill me? I'll tell you.

I have an infection from it.

I do.

It's not a good one.

My heart is trying to pick it up and it's trying to spread to my blood stream.

I've had a high fever and my blood pressure has dropped low enough to almost knock me out permanently.

I have inflammation in my arm from the blood drawing session.

I have a cold and sore throat which just makes this so much more dandy.

My blood count was not good. No, the cutting had nothing to do with it. It's about all the blood I lost from the miscarriage.

I'm still bleeding.

I have to go in if I don't stop.

I have to go in if the mucus-type gooey stuff doesn't stop draining from me.

Once in my blood stream, if I lived 2 days, it'd be a pure miracle.

My heart sucks up infections so fast and right now, I've got one and I have an 80-90% chance of it spreading to my blood.

They couldn't give me the normal antibiotics...why? b/c it'd mess with my heart.

I just get Tylenol 3 for the cramps and pads for the blood.

The sweating, clamminess, all of that, it's just perks.

As for this infection, I don't want to fight it.

I don't really have the desire to.

I'm weak and tired.

I can't sleep.

I can't eat.

I'm not even hungry.

I hurt.

I'm in pain.

I'm tired of bleeding down below and it's not even a period. It's from my baby.

Yeah, I had the joy of seeing some of the "baby bits"...that's right. Nature decided to play mean and the baby somehow broke up into pieces as it was coming down. I'm still having clots come out. Yesterday, they got a huge chunk of it out though.

I still might have to have a D&C.

Josh feels like it's his fault. He's like "I'm sorry." "why?" "I got you pregnant". Josh, the blood is not on your hands. It's not that YOU got me pregnant, WE got me pregnant. It's not your fault it died, if it's anyone...it's mine.

I'm miserable and I have no desire to fight this thing.

If it kills me, good.

If not, I'll just continue living in this hell.

Yesterday was the longest and worst day of my life. I never want to be in the hospital that long. Worse, I keep thinking of how they had me push. YES, PUSH some of my baby out.

I feel sick.

I'm going to puke.

I gotta go.

Don't worry about me.

Obviously, I'm not.

I don't care anymore.