To keep the nosey people from reading my last entry ...I shall now entertain with random jokes I have saved on my computer. These either were ones I found and saved or ones someone emailed me. So don't think I'm not trying to source, it's just...I honestly don't know who to give credit to. Some of these you may have heard...others not...but I think they are amusing :D
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Revenge on Telemarketers
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most
of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be
interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on
one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to
me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
(swallowing)
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes
thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone.
I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the
receiver, they were still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can
express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not
interested", but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute,
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
(Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents
a minute but she at no time used the word "rate". I could
clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old
calculator and do a little ciphering.)
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest)
Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one
big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and
if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per
day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just
interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10
cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10
cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but...
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll
give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a
minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing
scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer
you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for...
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I
begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of
a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10
cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
(I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could
do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to roduce a snort.)
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get
back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person
who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I
needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an
aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in
signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can
never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd
really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)
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Animal Pictures
The day care teacher held up a picture and asked, "What's this?"
"A horsy." one child answered.
"And this ?" the teacher asked the class.
"A piggy." replied another youngster.
"And now this one ?" asked the teacher, holding up a
picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack. There
was complete and total silence. "Come on now children."
she coaxed, "I'll give you a little hint. What does
your Mommie call your Daddie when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"
"I know ! I know !!!" said one little girl. "A horny bastard."
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Little Johnny is late
Little Johnny, being reprimanded by his teacher for being tardy for school,
remonstrated with the following excuse:
"Ma woke Pa up in the middle of the night saying she heard something in the
hen house. Pa, who sleeps in the raw, grabbed his loaded shotgun and ran out
into the yard. Pa stood there, with his gun pointing at the chicken house,
waiting for something to come out when our old hound dog came up behind Pa
with his cold nose... and we've been cleanin' chickens since three
o'clock this morning."
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Why husbands aren't good secretaries
Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:
Someone from the Guyna College called. They said
Pabst beer is normal.
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Wedding Night Woe
A married couple is about to have sex for the first
time on their wedding night. They start to undress,
and the husband removes his shoes. The wife notices
something frightful about his feet. "Oh my goodness!
What happened to your toes?" she exclaimed. "I have
tolio," he said. "You mean polio?" she asked. "Well,
it's kind of like polio except it only affects your
toes." The husband then removes his pants. "Oh my
gosh!" the wife exclaimed again. "What happened to
your knees?" "I have kneesles. It's kind of like measles
except it only affects your knees." The husband finally
takes off his underwear. The wife says, "Wait, let
me guess, smallcox."
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Things A True Southerner Knows:
1) The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption.
2) Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.
3) What general direction Cattywumpus is.
4) That "gimme sugar" don't mean "pass me the sugar."
5) That when somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.
6) How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are
at a country store.
7) Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits!
8) A good dog is worth its weight in gold.
9) Real gravy don't come from the store.
10) When "by and by" is.
11) How to handle their "pot likker".
12) The difference between "pert near" and "a right far piece."
13) The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and white trash.
14) What happens when you swallow tobacco juice.
15) Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal
is actually going to make a turn.
16) You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up
past the elbows.
17) You should never lend your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.
18) A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up.
19) Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.
20) Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them
are history lessons.
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Man Falls Asleep At Church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
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Beautiful Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful
parrot. The sign on the cage said $50.00.
"Why so little" asked the woman. The store owner looked and her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of
prostitution, and at times it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about it, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home, hung the cage in her living room and waited for it to
speak.
The bird looked around the room, then at her and said, "New house, new
madam." The woman was shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's not so bad."
Her two teenage daughters returned home from school, and the bird saw them
and said,"New house, new madam, new whores." The woman and the girls were
offended but then began to laugh about the whole situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband arrived home. The bird looked at him,
and said " HI STEVE."
Side note: This reminds me of the story about the bird that talked to Travis's butt :D
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Backseat Driver
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange takes place...
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives
his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your
broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken
tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light
for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for
not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up
to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!".
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does
your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
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Baby Exit
A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother.
"That babies come out of the same place where boys put
their penises?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the
subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have
to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager,
"won't it knock my teeth out?"
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Old Maid
A 60-year-old woman came home one day and heard strange
noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered
her 40-year-old daughter playing with a vibrator. "What
are you doing?" asked the mother. "Mom, I am 40 years
old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married
so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked
out of the room, shaking her head. The next day, the
father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and
upon entering the room, found his daughter using the
vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
"His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years
old now and ugly. I will never get married so this
is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father
walked out of the room shaking his head. The next day,
the mother came home to find her husband with a beer
in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching
the Superbowl on TV. "What on earth are you doing?"
she cried. The husband replied, "What does it look like
I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with
my son-in-law!!"
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Ok, ok...that's enough for one day.
I might post a real entry tomorrow.
SHOOT.
Speaking of tomorrow...
I have a term paper due wednesday and a speech due last week.
what's that have to do with tomorrow?
Nothing, except I plan on picking the topics tomorrow :D