I'm released.

Lisa called me. It's about time...heh...she was suppose to call me back last week when I had to change my appointment time...but she never did.

Anyway, she said "Roni, you don't really need me anymore. If you decide you feel like you do, you can always call but I think you should be fine now. You've realized your mistakes and you're being less selfish. You're hormones are straightening out and you're thinking clearer. You've got some very big decisions ahead of you but I'm confident that you'll do just fine. You may be having a rough time with your family, but you are a very strong girl and know what's best for you and your baby. As for Josh, I'm sure things will go fine. You are becoming friends and you can become what it is he needs you to be. But don't do it for him, do it for you. You're growing up and really maturing. You're making good choices and I'm proud of you. If you decide to keep the baby, you'll be a great mother. I know you've been thinking about adoption more and you're scared because you haven't been able to talk to anyone about it...but you have to. You need to really talk to Josh. That's what will help. Figure out what it is that's still upsetting you. Change. You know you have to. Keep working on your hormones...you'll be fine. Keep fighting your selfish ways and keep becoming the new beautiful woman that you are. You're doing fine and you're now released from my care."

You know, I don't know how I feel. I didn't think it would only take a few visits. But she is the counselor and I guess she does know best...right? I mean, she wouldn't release me if she didn't think I was ready...would she?

I am trying.

I know what I have to become and what I have to do.

Actually, I wouldn't even say "trying" ...rather, I'm doing. I'm becoming what it is that I have to.

I'm turning from my selfish ways and growing up.

I'm going to be a better friend.

I'm going to start thinking about what I need to do, rather than just want.

You know, I've even been selfish about the baby. I was using it to make Josh suffer more.

Could I be a good mom?

Could I really give it what it needs?

Or am I wanting to keep it to make Josh suffer?

I'm not going to run from my problems...but what about when I am the problem?

Suicide is not the answer.

Dropping out of college is not the answer.

Sitting around worrying is not the answer.

Trying to hurt Josh is not the answer.

Trying to guilt him is not the answer.

Trying to force him is not the answer.

Clinging is not the answer.

Running and crying to everyone is not the answer.

The answer is that I have to grow up now and I have to start thinking for myself.

No one can tell me what to do.

No one can make this decision for me.

Josh can't even...although, I wish he could.

I have to shift my priorities. I need to make REAL goals.

I need to decide what I am going to do about this baby.

I need to decide what I'm doing about college.

I need to decide where I want to live.

I need to decide where I want to work.

I need to decide how I'm going to be.

I need to decide my life.

But by forcing Josh out of it...by putting words in his mouth...by not letting him even think...that isn't helping. It IS his child too...and instead of arguing or saying "no" when he mentions how he feels...I should listen.

Maybe if he thinks adoption is a real option, then I should hear him out.

Whatever it is...I haven't even been hearing myself out.

Well, not anymore.

I'm released.

Things are different now.

I'm growing up.

I CAN do this.

I CAN make it.

I CAN succeed still.

I CAN make sure this baby has a good life.

I CAN be the friend so many deserve.

I CAN ...

I WILL ...

I AM ...

I'M RELEASED.

I'M A NEW RONI.

-------------

I'm not sorry to say the old Roni is gone. She's gone for good and taken her selfish attitude with her. The new Roni is here now. I can't tell you what she's like because she realizes that changes are important and that she can't just stay a certain way. She's going to keep changing as life throws new things her way.