I always thought if I got suicidal, I would try to talk to the people I love about it, that way if I went through with it �they wouldn�t feel like they didn�t get to say goodbye or they didn�t see it coming. They wouldn�t always wonder �why��but maybe understand.

Guess I was wrong to do that. See, I cared is why I did tell my friends. I didn�t tell them to make them feel guilty or make them want to save me. I didn�t tell them so they could feel like I put my blood on their hands. I told them because I thought I could spare them pain.

Wrong again. Guess I�m hurt everyone again. Guess I screwed up again. You know �don�t expect me to tell anyone how I feel now. No one wants to really listen anyway. They just want to interrupt and say �don�t say that� or �no��nobody listens so why tell them?

There, the blood is off your hands. Now you can quite feeling guilty.

I�m relieving all of you from your duties.

I�ll just drown in my thoughts rather than tell you because I don�t want to hurt anyone.

But I will say this�I�m scared and I feel like my world is closing in around me. I need someone to help me hold the world up�to keep it from squishing me. I guess nobody even saw that I didn�t need rescued, I didn�t need to be �talked out��I just needed someone to stand by me. I needed someone to help me carry the weight. If you can do that, great, if not�then don�t worry.

I could have lost my baby today. I bled. I did and I panicked. I don�t want to lose it. �Roni, put your life in order��I am. I�m fighting for my baby.

I heard its heart beat. It�s fighting with all it has. It wants to live. It�s going to be beautiful. It is.

If I lose the baby, I don�t know what I�ll do�but don�t you feel like you�re in any way obligated to help me. Don�t. I don�t need pity, I don�t need to �see what�s out there��I need to find out how it is that I�m strong.

I need to find my strengths.

What is it I can still do?

If there really is another solution, please tell me what it is. No, I�m not going to seek a handout. I�m not going to just go looking.

If you�re a real friend, maybe you�ll understand. If you don�t, maybe you�re not supposed to.

Everyone can�t help me. I don�t know who it is that can�but they know who they are. They also know the one thing I really need to hear. They also know the one thing they need to ask �Roni, what is it? What is everything? Tell me what is going on honestly��

Please, I�m begging you.

I am not saying I�m no longer thinking of dying if my baby dies, I�m saying that apparently nobody even wanted to know the real reason why I felt that way.

I can�t do this alone.

But getting mixed signals or yelled at isn�t the solution.

I need someone to really talk to me�maybe for 10 minutes; maybe an hour�they know who they are and what to say. I think I know who it is, but I�m not even positive.

But I know you read this and I know you care.

I�m sorry if I doubt you because apparently I doubt everyone and everything�so don�t take it too personally.

Just please, help me.