Today at a view:
The baby decided to be mischevious and wake me up for morning sickness at 5 instead of 6.
Today was Robbie's bday party. They made me the cordinator. It went well. Except, the kids kept multiplying. A party of 7 quickly turned into a party of 10...and then before you know it, kids that never even said there name was there! I was in charge. I had a blast. LOL. I wore these cute little clovers. I got a head band that has 2 clovers hanging on it. It's cute. The kids enjoyed laughing at me.
We had interesting age gaps in the group. The youngest was like 4 or 5 and the oldest was 10. Then we had adults that wanted to play charades with us.
Sara was the youngest and kept looking at me like I was crazy.
Christopher kept looking at me and saying "are you for real???"
Robbie kept going "AHHHH...too many girls!"
Austin kept saying "I like Jeff Gordon" and "racing..." and blahblahblah
Samantha kept puking.
Paige kept rolling her eyes and saying "Girls are angels, boys are devils"
Emily kept whispering.
I could go on, but after that, names get fuzzy.
But there was Belinda. She was 10. She lives down the road...she's been in town for about 6 months. Her dad is legally blind and can only see so many inches (yes, INCHES) in front of his face. Her mom died when she was 6. The poor girl sits there alone all the time, scared, with no friends. She wanted to hang out with me. I agreed. She started just telling me everything and I felt so sorry for her. I wanted to hug her and tell her everything would be ok, but I know I cant promise her that. Her father just sits at home and watches tv and plays video games. He drinks and cant keep a steady girlfriend. The poor girl has no woman in her life to look up to and she's soon approaching puberty. I took her under my wing. I just, ...I dont know, my heart went to her. I cant be mad at her. I cant ...I just want to make things better for her.
Then, a thought hit me...if I died young, what would happen to my baby if it made it? I mean, I'm alone. It wouldnt even have a daddy to step in for it because Josh is so busy and I doubt he'd want to. He just doesnt seem interested and I dont want him to just do it from obligation.
Corey said hed be there, but I know the truth. Things wont work with us now...I just...I'm different. AND I know he'd want sex after a while and I just couldnt.
I never told Josh some things he should have known. I never told him the whole truth about my hormones and how I cant control my "ups and downs". I never told him how somedays I wanted to push him away and other days, smother him with affection. I never told him WHY. I know I should of, but now it doesn't matter. I'm getting it fixed though. Oh well, I'm not going to elaborate now, it's too late.
Oh well, no pity party from me. I have a baby to worry about and ...um...I'm sure I'll find some way to stay busy this Spring Break.
I do want Corey back, but I just...nevermind. Forget I said the "but" part.
(hehe...Wendy, rememeber "Butt Man"?)
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Earlier today I was having an "up"...now I think I'm having a "down"
Please end these mood swings soon before I lose everyone I love.
Please, God.
Please