Believe it or not, I do pretty good keeping things about me and Josh a secret. I don't even write down nearly all the things we do or say. However, I wrote him this email...and it meant so much to me, that I don't care if the whole world sees it. I just know, I want to know that he'll always remember this email. Therefore, I'm putting it in here. Read at your own risk...haha:

Josh,

In case you read this before I get a chance to talk to you (which is actually very likely), I have a few things to say. First off� thank you. Thank you for listening to me go on and on about things that bother me. Thank you for listening to my hopes, goals, ambitions, troubles ...everything. I'm sorry I sort of went nuts, for lack of better word. I mean, yes, my congenital heart problem IS a big deal...but I shouldn't have reacted like I did. My heart isn't just leaking around my a.s.d. (hole in the atrial)...but it's also leaking in between my two v.s.d. (holes in the ventricles that meant I only had a hairline amount of a septum)...AND the tricuspid valve is leaking. Hmmm.......let's see.....3 leaks in my heart.....one in a hole that should have healed on it's own LONG before now...and one in a place that should have been fixed in my prior open heart surgery�oh, and one in a major valve that can mean I need a valve replacement.....hmmm...that just doesn't sound too appealing to me.

I know that you can't possibly relate and probably don't really understand. Yet, I shouldn't constantly say, "You don't understand". It's really sweet that you try to. I know you care...I really do. I just don't want you to worry about me. I'm fine. You believe in me. You think I'm strong willed. That's great. You're one of my only moral supporters right now. I can't begin to express how that makes me feel.

You mean a lot to me...you truly do. I know sometimes I'm stubborn...and yet, you still care about me. You've already seen all my flaws. I worry, analyze, whine, laugh when I'm nervous, and push people away when I need them the most. I've already found that it doesn't really bother you that I worry or analyze. Yes, you wish I didn't do it...and believe me, I've improved. Your support has helped me a lot. As for the whining...you claim I don't whine. Well, guess you still have some things to learn about me....what I do to you...that's my whining mechanism....so, now you know. As for the laughing when I'm nervous...it's not necessarily bad....just...annoying. Trust me, I HATE doing it. Most of all though...I shouldn't push people away when I need them the most. Apparently, I can't push you away. Trust me, I don't want to either. I can't begin to express how much it means to me that you care. I just want you to know, I'm trying to spare you. I don't want you to have to worry about me. I want to be strong for you. I want to be brave. Don't worry...please? I know it's hard not to and I know you worry because you care. It's just; I'm trying so hard to be strong...brave...and I feel like I'm cracking. I can't do it alone. You know that, too. I know if the shoe was on the better foot, I'd be extremely worried about you. I guess I'm sort of hypocritical then to tell you not to worry. I just want you to be able to do things like you want to...to be happy. I don't want to do anything that can upset you or dampen your spirits in any way. You've been great so far. You're a great encouragement and supporter. I couldn't ask for anyone better. I know this letter has repetition within it (sort of), but it's just that I can't emphasize enough just how much you mean to me and how much I need to thank you. Thank you, Joshua. You need to know that I'll always be here for you. You know I'd do anything for you. I love you.

Ok, now that I've written you a short novel, watch me get to talk to you...haha. Joshua...again, thank you...I love you. You're incredible. Your support truly means a lot to me.

~Roni Ann