I don't want to be president.
I don�t want to be queen.

I gave up on those when I was 5.

I don't want to be on Congress.
I don�t want to be Miss America.
I gave up on those when I was 6.

I don�t want to be a nurse.
I don�t want to be a dentist.
I gave up on those when I was 7.

I don�t want to be a cardiologist.
I don�t want to be a pediatrician.
I gave up on those when I was 8.

I don�t want to be a ballerina.
I don�t want to be an actress.
I gave up on those when I was 9.

I don�t want to be a veterinarian.
I don�t want to be an herbologist.
I gave up on those when I was 10.

I don�t want to be a historian.
I don�t want to be a astronaut.
I gave up on those when I was 11.

I don�t want to be a meteorologist.
I don�t want to be a missionary.
I gave up on those when I was 12.

I don�t want to be a traveling salesman.
I don�t want to be on t.v.

I gave up on those at 13.

I don�t want to be a singer.
I don�t want to be famous.

I gave up on those at 14.

I don�t want to be a secretary.
I don�t want to be a teacher.
I gave up on those at 15.

I don�t want to be an author.
I don�t want to be a poet.
I don�t want to be a journalist.

I gave up on those at 16.

I don�t want to be a psychologist. I don�t know what I want to be. I am 17.

Do we see a trend here? What I didn�t tell you was for how long I wanted to be each of those things. Was it just a year? NO. I dreamed of several of those for YEARS. Yes, YEARS.

Why the change THIS TIME?

Why not?

When I was little�every time�EVERY FRIGGIN� TIME I wanted to be something my Dad would criticize me. �You can�t be that because�� or just simply �that�d NEVER happen��or �you�ll NEVER succeed at that�.

Daddy? Can you hear me? Is this mic on? Sit down. Pull up a chair. Don�t say a word. I can give you some tape if it would help. Ok. Anyway�I have a lot to say. Please just sit there. Please stop looking away. Listen to me, Daddy. Hear what I have to say. I can�t be you. I can�t fulfill your dreams. They are YOURS, Daddy. Not mine. I tried to talk to you about this the other day. You yelled. You screamed. You made me cry Daddy. You made me cry. Even then you didn�t listen to me. You just yelled at me for crying. You wanted to punish me. Guess what, Daddy? I don�t care anymore. This is the bottom of the barrel. I�ve reached the core of me. It�s been a long journey�but I�m here. Just let me be. I tried so long to please you. I just wanted to make you proud. You say you thought I knew you loved me. You thought I knew you care. How am I to know that? When do you say it? Oh, but no�actions speak louder than words. Isn�t that what you say? I want to hear it, Daddy. I want to hear you say. I want you to say you love me. I want you to play. Yes, I said PLAY. You would always say �Not now, I�ll play with you later.� �. "your dolls can wait��. �go play by yourself��. �go play with your friends��. �you can play without me�� �go ask your mother��. �I�m busy. Leave me alone.� �. �I�ll play Barbies with you next weekend.� �. �I do things with you. You went fishing with me last week.� � �I�ll build your playhouse next summer.� �. �I�ll hook up your telescope next week.� �. �You�ve read that book a million times, why do I have to read it to you?�� �I�m a man. I don�t play dolls.� � �You can�t put makeup on me. I�m not a fag.� � �Yeah, yeah, yeah�I�ll see it next week� �. �My back hurts. My legs hurt. I�ll play ball with you another time.� � �You know my back and legs won�t let me play basketball with you��.and so on and so on�.

Guess what? I don�t want to play anymore. The other day you wondered why I never went fishing with you this last summer. YOU NOTICED? I was so shocked you noticed that I failed to say what I was thinking. I�ve never been a fisherman. I�ve never enjoyed waiting and just watching the water and hoping a fish would come along at the right time. I never did, Dad. I just went so I could be with you. I just wanted to be YOUR little girl. I wanted to make you proud. I just wanted to see you smile. I wanted you to smile at me. Not my fish. Not how good I was at fishing. I wanted you to smile at ME.

I don�t play dolls anymore. I don�t even know where I put my old Barbies. Yet, you wonder why I don�t ask you to play anymore? I�m 17. I stopped playing with those a few years ago.

I wanted you to read to me so I could hear YOUR voice. I wanted to hear it. I wanted to feel you near me. I wanted you to sit on the edge of my bed like you cared. I wanted to feel I could tell you anything. I just wanted to hear you.

I only wanted to play basketball with you because I KNEW you could do it. You�d go to Kennett and play it with Kevin, our cousin. He�s 18 or 19 now. You say you played because you knew his Dad never played with him. HELLO!!! YOU were MY DAD and it was fine for you NOT to play with ME but you wonder why I was upset when you�d play with some OTHER kid????

By the way�the thing I wanted to show you so bad. It was something I had made YOU. What was it? I don�t know now. I made so many things over the years that I never gave you.

The telescope. Yeah�I never did set it up right. J.R. tried to help me. You know it�s funny. I could have gotten someone to set it up. Yeah. I could have. But I wanted YOU. I wanted YOU to do it. I wanted to have something special with YOU.

The other day you offered to build my play house. Hi, um�Dad? I�m 17. I gave up on wanting one of those a long time ago. Not to mention the fact you gave me a CAMPER to use as a playhouse. Yeah, I can�t even enter it anymore. It should be CONDEMNED!

I love you, Daddy. I still want to make you proud. I want to see you smile. I want to feel like you�re a part of what I do. But now I don�t even want to be like you. You use to be my hero. You use to be everything. Now look at you Daddy. I can�t wait to get away.

You criticized. You knocked me. You helped me get low self-esteem. Congratulations on that. That was a �real� man�s job.

You know, you NEVER approved of me wanting to be a psychologist�but I figured it was time for me to stop wanting to do what YOU wanted me to do. I wanted to do something I enjoyed. I wanted to make ME happy. However, I failed with that theory AGAIN.

I told Mrs. Hollenbeck the other day that I considered NOT going into Psychology and that Business really made me happier. You know what? She actually gave me a speech about how I shouldn�t do that. Yes. Mrs. Hollenbeck, the one who always encourages us�.she discouraged me. She said it was just that Cincinnati must have done something. That I was letting a �speaker or something� change my mind. Yeah, sure I did. It was the �something�. The �something� was the inner me telling me that I would be a lot happier in the business field. It was telling me how I�ve always enjoyed stuff like that. How I�m good in business classes. How I would succeed a whole lot more in business than in psychology. I�m sorry to not listen to you, Mrs. Hollenbeck. You were the first to say to find something that made ME happy. I�m sorry if you don�t approve. I�m sorry you think Psychology was what I was meant to do. Sorry to disappoint you. But you know what? I can�t let it get to me anymore.

Almost everything I�ve ever done was for someone else. NO. Not anymore. Can�t you people see how miserable I am?

I just want to find my bliss. I want to be happy. I want to live to achieve my dream. I just want to have a dream.

MAYBE, Just maybe I will go into the Business field. Will it make EVERYONE happy? No, I know it won�t. But it would make me happy. ME, isn�t that what�s important here anyway?

Mom says I have low self-esteem. Does that surprise you? It doesn�t surprise me. Why do I have it? Simple. Because I was more concerned at pleasing others than pleasing me�more concerned with making you happy than noticing ME�more concerned with everyone else than really getting to know myself. Not anymore�I�m in it for the long haul. I want to get to know ME. I want to make ME happy. I want to dream. I want to achieve. I want to do things. I want to go far. I want to someday marry a great guy who won�t discourage me. I want so much�I want it for ME. I just need to learn how to be happy. I need to accept me. I need to love me. I need to be me.

ME