Random Time.
This is a time for me to kill my boredom.
Below are quotes, jokes, or just whatever the heck I wanted to throw on here that I like :)
Enjoy!
--------------------
Optimist: "The glass is half full."
Pessimist: "The glass is half empty."
Engineer: "That glass is twice as large as it needs to be."
- The Economics Press
If email had been around before the telephone was invented, people would have said, "Hey, forget email! With this new telephone invention I can actually talk to people!"
- The Exectuive Speechwriter Newsletter
If it's green, it's biology, If it stinks, it's chemistry, If it has numbers it's math, If it doesn't work, it's technology
- Unknown
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want". Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"
The man said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
---------
Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking with a recruiter,
He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer,"
Unix that is ... CRT's ... Workstations;
Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
They said "Arizona is the place ya ought to be",
So he bought some donuts and move to Ahwatukee,
Intel that is ... dry heat ... no amusement parks;
On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube,
They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!",
OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory;
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
The answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six",
Tired that is ... Stressed Out ... No social life;
Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door,
Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed.
-------------
The Six Rules of Civil Engineering
1.
If it moves, it's broke.
2.
You can't push on a rope.
3.
Water runs downhill and stands in low places.
4.
F=ma.
5.
Dirt plus water makes mud.
6.
If in doubt, increase the safety factor
------------
WRITE IN C ("Let it Be")
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: "Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers: "Write in C." Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C. LOGO's dead and buried, Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, For science it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics!
Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C. BASIC's not the answer. Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C Write in C, oh, Write in C. Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
------------
WHAT YOU WILL LEARN IN ENGINEERING
* You can study hard and still fail
* You can not study and pass
* Multiple choice does not mean easy
* There are no trains here
* Six exams can be written in 4 days, but it hurts
* You can skip all the classes, study for 15 minutes before the final and still do better than an arts
* student in any arts class Pi to six decimal places
* Judging by my fellow students, engineers are either drunks or geeks
* Everyone is someone else's wierdo
* Front Row people are wierd
* Those who can, do, those who can't, teach
* A 95.75% can be an A
* An 56% can not only be an A, but the highest in the class
* You can kill your neighbors with a 9 volt battery
* You NEED an HP
--------
PROGRAMMER'S SONG
100 little bugs in the code
100 little bugs in the code
Fix one bug and recompile
101 little bugs in the code
(repeat until bugs = 0)
--------
Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineering Chicks
-I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.
-Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
-Wanna come back to my room and see my 166mhz Pentium?
-How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
-You're sweeter than glucose.
-We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.
-Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?
-Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.
-You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!
-My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.
----------
OW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
--------
What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman?
Snowballs.
--------
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
-------
BENEFITS OF BEING AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN
* We got off the Titanic first.
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
* We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
* We can cry and get off speeding fines.
* We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
* Taxis stop for us.
* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
* Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).
* New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
* No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
* We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
* We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
* If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
* We have the ability to dress ourselves.
* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
* If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
* There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
* We'll never regret piercing our ears.
* We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
* We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
-------
Twelve truths about men!
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)
6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)
7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
You're laughing, aren't you?!?!
8. WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
(it is sex with someone they love)
9. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.)
10. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make the perfect final copy)
11. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)
12. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(it's never happened)
-----------
Do YOU understand men?
The nice men are ugly. The handsome men are not nice. The handsome and nice men are gay. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money. The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. The handsome men without money are after our money. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!! The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW... WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?
-------------
Wasnt that fun? tee-hee :)