I pulled an "old Roni". I push away people. I do it to all. See I need James in my life as something, anything...I need to talk to him from time to time and now I'll never even know if he fucking dies from this crap....and ya know what? that's me. that's how I work. I screw up everything. I am a walking, talking, manipulative, stupid fuck.
All I ever wanted was to get over the guilt and be his friend. I hated how we were physical at first and I felt like he just wanted me for ass. Yeah, he says it's not true, but really? Is it? I mean does he ever talk without wanting ass? I mean, when we're not flirting, we're fighting. WHAT THE LIVING HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
I can't keep doing this.
I don't understand why it's me...always fucking me that gets it.
I never meant to hurt Josh.
I never meant to get pregnant.
I never meant to get a form of cancer.
I never menat to lose my Annastrianna.
I never meant to hide Alexis from Josh.
I never meant to not tell Josh the truth.
I never meant to lose Alexis.
I never meant to lose Josh's friendship.
I never meant to cut.
I never meant to be suicidal.
I never meant to lose all my friends.
I never meant to use Jack.
I never meant to hurt Warren.
I never meant to get into the wrong major.
I never meant to go to UMR.
I never meant to meet guys off seek.
I never meant to get physical with James (no sex, but still)
I never meant to get used.
I never meant to fall and bust my knee.
I never meant to have rocks stuck in that knee.
I never meant to party.
I never meant to get an addiction to vodka.
I never meant to avoid dormies.
I never meant to think I was elite since I was in a sorority.
I never meant to put my sisters above everyone.
I never meant to meet Nick.
I never meant to fuck Nick.
I never meant to fall for Nick.
I never meant to get used by Nick.
I never meant to get heartbroken by Nick.
I never meant to lose Nick.
I never meant to get back a hold of Josh.
I never meant to use Warren.
I never meant to get back in touch with James.
I never meant for me to lose friends again.
I never meant to put me first.
I never meant to be a failure.
I never meant to hate myself.
I never meant to hate God.
I never meant to realize I need Josh as a friend.
I never meant to realize all these faults.
I never meant to push James away.
I never meant to hide my feelings from James.
I never meant to lose James.
I never meant to ...
I never meant to ...
I never meant to ...
WORDS!
FUCKING WORDS!
"I never meant"
I...I ....I
IS THAT ALL I AM? FUCKING WORDS????
I hate it.
I cant change it.
I dont know how but I have to.
I have to make this up.
I have to be friends with people again.
I have to make up for hurting people.
I have to stop this.
I have to grow up.
But I fail miserably.
I do so bad.
I hate me.
I hate me.
I hate me.
I hate me.
I hate me.
I hate me
I hate hating me.
I can't keep holding on to the horse.
Somebody has to know how to fix this.
Somebody has to know that I never meant this to be.
Somebody has to tell me how to fix this.
Somebody has to tell me how to change.
please?
Please?
PLEASE?
SOMEBODY???????