So after the last couple entries...you can figure how I feel.
I have to leave this place.
I can't take it anymore.
I give up.
I have no choice.
There's nothing left.
I've reached the bottom.
I have no one left.
Julie and Kevin are great. But, they don't deserve to go through this. More than anything, I want them to stop worrying. Now as for death, whatever may come...I'd never do it before dark and never when most people are up. It'd be a strange hour and into the night. When the rain starts to fall and the mist hits the earth, you'll know the path I picked. But remember this, there are two types of death: physical and emotional. So I have two choices. I'm not just saying physical is my only way out...so think positive, right? Please stop hurting. I never meant to hurt you two. But realize, this is my decision and you can't make my mind up for me. Yes, there will be some form of death tonight...but I'm not promising which kind. You both will be alright. I love you guys.
As for Josh, he's my friend and he will remain so until he chooses otherwise. But, ...I don't know how he is and I don't know anything anymore. I heard he was sick, and I hope he's ok. I love him and I hope he never forgets that. He once told me in a letter that when he heard the "If Tomorrow Never Comes" Song, that he wondered how I'd be and if I knew how much he loves me...but now all I can do is hope the same for him. If tomorrow never comes, Josh...don't forget how much I love you and how much you mean to me and never forget about your child or the love we made it with.
My grades slipt.
My dreams crashed.
My parents caved.
Most my friends are gone.
I have given up.
I have been defeated.
I am throwing in the towel.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I hurt you, Josh. I'm even more sorry that I hurt you to the point that you gave up on me.
I'm sorry I disappointed everyone.
I'm sorry.
I'm bad and I hurt people.
I even hurt my baby.
I keep going through bleeding spells.
I fear the baby is leaving me.
It even gave up on me.
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Baby,
I'm so sorry if I hurt you. I love you whole heartedly. You're all I have. I just want you to know how much I love you. I really hope you never get hurt or go through pain like I have right now.
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Times change, people part, they go away and give their hearts. They give up on you and let you die. They watch your tears as they close their eyes. They look away and disappear, before you know it, death is near.
It's closing in now...the time is close. So much pain and anger a float. In this sea of dispair...in the depths of hell...they watched you get close and ran in fear.
You discover your true friends and find your weakness. You reach your breaking point and can't stop.
They say they understand, but nobody does. The one true friend is now your one lost love. People drift and dreams die. You make mistakes and now you must die. You have no way out. The world seems so small. You're scared of these feelings, but you're now going numb.
Darkness falls close. The room starts to spin. The blade in your hand is closing in. You want it in your heart. You want it so bad.
You look around and see you're alone. You've ruined your future. You've screwed your past. Now all you have is coming at last.
Don't worry about me. Don't have regrets. Move on and live life. Move on and don't fret. Don't ask about me. Don't let me cross your mind.
I'm with you in the wind. I'm with you at night. I'm in every breath that you take in. I'm in every blink. I'm within your soul.
You can't move past me yet, but please try. Don't try to ask "why". It's too late now. I gave you your chance. You could have saved me, you could have helped.
Thank you for trying. Your efforts do count, but know in the end...this was all that was left.
This was my answer. This was my way out.
You won't hear from me for now on. You know why. I do love you...but this is goodbye. This is goodbye to all. This cruel, dark world...this is my goodbye. My final words.
This is my last entry. This journal has now came to an end. Thanks for sharing in my journey...thanks for being there until the end.
The end is here now. I can't go on. Go ahead and try to call...you'll know my decision when the phone never gets answered. It's going to ring into the night but no one will be here to hear it. It's going to ring out and so is your heart. You'll miss me someday and I'm sorry for that.
Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. I'm not going to tell you my plan or what it is that I'm about to do.
I've hit the bottom and I have two choices. I can stay here and die or get back up. I don't know if I am strong enough on my own but soon the answer is going to be revealed.
Goodbye my dear friends.
Goodbye my journal.
Goodbye all the things I left unsaid.
Goodbye to you.
Goodbye to me.
Goodbye Josh, I love you.
But one more thing, before I go. If by chance you reach me in time, than you'll know everything will then be alright. You know I wouldn't stop before I gave you a chance. Hurry up and take it. Hurry up before your time has passed. Please, if you care, you'll catch me now. The time is coming closer. The time is very near.
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The End