Baby,

Hi. In case you haven't noticed, it's my room your renting...LOL. Ok, bad introduction. It's not like I've done this before, please try to understand that.

I love you. I know it's hard to understand because we've just met, but I've known about you all my life. I've dreamed of you.

I never want you to feel like you're to blame for me and your father not being together. You had nothing to do with it. I want you to know he is a good man with a kind heart and a great personality. He's also got one of the best sense of humors I've ever seen. I wish you have his eyes or maybe his smile and nose because they are cute. I wish I could tell you that you will get to bond with him. That's a promise I can't make. I know he cares though. He didnt want you to take it personally when he mentioned the "adoption" word. I could never give you up.

Josh has a lot going on in his life and I didn't make it any better. I love him and I always will and I will never regret anything with him except being mean in the end. Someday, maybe I will explain to you what happened with us.

I wish he would be here. I wish he could feel you. I know you don't kick yet or anything, but I once heard that if they talk to you or touch where you are, the bond begins. I wish you could know him. He's truly great.

He says we'll never get back together. Again, not your fault. I wish I could tell you that I agree with him, but for now, I can only accept that he feels that way. I do hope you get to know him though.

I want you to know that I've been changing. I'm getting more mature. I'm growing up. I'll be a good mom, I truly will.

I'll never make you feel like I don't love you. You'll always be "good enough" and you don't have to prove yourself to me.

Your father once wrote me this in a letter and I quote: "When a diamond is born from a piece of coal, does it like the pain it feels? The heat and pressure grind it down, compacting it slowly to size. It then sit in the cold, lonely earth, waiting for someone to find it. Under the jeweller's knife it goes; chipping, cutting, peeling away. Pain and despair is all it can feel, but what does that diamond become? So rememeber when hardships come your way, God is simply making you his perfect gem."

He wrote that in a letter to me, but I think he would want you to know the same. Trust me, darling, hardships do come and I'm now facing some of the worst alone. I'm being strong for you though. You're now the reason I live.

I hope you never feel heartache like I do right now. I hope you never lose the only thing you feel is right in your life. But if you do, know that I'm still here and I will always love you.

When I am sad, there is a song that always cheers me up. I know you've heard me singing it and you will many more times. Here's the words, wrote down just for you:

"My Jesus, my Savior, Lord there is none like you. All of my days I want to praise the wonder of your mighty love. My comfort, my shelter. Tower of refuge and strength. Let every breath, all that I am, never cease to worship you. Shout to the Lord, all the earth, let us sing. Power and majesty, praise to the king. Mountains bow down and the seas will roar, at the sound of your name. I sing for joy at the work of your hands, forever I'll love you. Forever, I'll stand. Nothing compares to the promise I have in you."

Trust me, you'll hear plenty of other songs too...but for now, that's my cheer up song.

I'm so scared of losing you. You're all I have. I want you to know this though...if for some reason, God deems it fit for you to become an angel early and long before I get to kiss your little hand...I can accept it. Through pain and tears, I will always love you and you will always be here with me...in my heart. I wish the world to you. I'm scared and I'm going through this alone, but I'm here for you. I'm trying my best. I love you. I would never hate you if you had to be an angel early. I wanted you to know that.

But baby, it's getting late. You need rest. I need some, too. Giving you all my attention is tiring...but worth it. I hope you know that your father does think of you. He just may not come around. He probably loves you, deep down, too. Baby, you could never disappoint me.

Love,

Mommy