I demonstrated it. Yes, I tried to cut myself.

Yes, I said cut.

C-U-T.

I took the blade.

Oh, it was so cool and gentle on my skin...yet, harsh and not knowing how I felt inside.

It couldnt feel my pain.

I had to show it.

1...2....before I knew it...4

I tried 4 times at slicing my arm.

The blade on the knife must be dull...or maybe I'm chicken sh*t.

I had to try a different approach.

5....6....

I saw no love showing back in your eyes.

7....8.....

Silence fell over me.

9...

Why arent you stopping me?

10....

You whispered "Stop"

What? I cant hear you.

Why dont you care?

11...

You showed me how to do this, ya know. You even showed me the veins.

12....

You said "It's your choice"

I said "You showed me."

13....

I can feel the burn. Blood rushes over. My arm is hot. Heat is rushing.

14....You grab the knife.

You slam it on the table.

"NO" You said.

"Never do that again"

Why not? You do it. Look at you. You have designs on your arms. You carve words.

"NO" You say. I cant possibly understand the pain.

I show you my arms....13...almost 14 reasons.

I have the reasons.

I have the reason.

I know why I did it.

I know what pain is.

1. You are a good person, why must I prove it?

2. You do feel...you feel emotions. Feeling nothing...feeling pain...it's feeling something.

3. You have to THINK about it first? Looks like I'm doing it without thinking, doesnt it?

4. I admired you. You know it.

5. Being "big" isnt everything.

6. So what if your "bi"? I'm not going to run. I've never left you and I'm not leaving our friendship now.

7. You think I dont hurt. You think I dont feel. I do. I feel. I hurt just like you.

8. Maybe you're not so alone afterall. Maybe someone does understand. Maybe you're just scared.

9. Of course you're scared to let others in, then you could get hurt. Everyone faces it.

10. What makes you better than me, to think you can decide how many times to hurt yourself but think I dont have the choice? You said yourself you know I could do it. Everyone has the choice you said....but you didnt mean it. You meant everyone has the choice, everyone but ME.

11. I'm not perfect. I dont try to be. Face it, I have flaws, too. Dont try to blame this on me.

12. Everyone blames me. Mom does. Dad does. This isnt about you anymore. This is about me.

13. I can feel it get below the surface. The heat is nice. It's soothing. It feels me and I feel it. It knows I hurt. I know I hurt. I dont care if you dont see it.

.........

I had my reasons, too.

Yes, you have reasons.

But I showed you mine.

Give me at least one of yours.

*Holds out arm*

Count them....

1....for you

2....again

3...believe me yet?

4....I'm serious

5....Dont doubt me

6....Here I go

7....Feel the burn

8...Burn baby, Burn

9....It's cool against the heat

10....A little more

11....Just one more

12....Do you believe me now?

13....for me

I cant convince you not to hurt yourself. I cant convince you that you're good.

Yes, you did show me how.

Yes, you really did show me the main veins.

Yes, you guided my hands.

Yes, YOU did.

If you cant stop for you, dont stop for me.

I didnt do all 13 for you.

It was also for me.

*smiles at cut arm*

It may have started for you....

but it ended for me.