I haven�t wanted to post since New Years. It�s like I either had no desire or just didn�t want to feel like I was still grasping on to part of me that no longer existed. Which thing it was, I do not know. Does it matter? Not in the least. It neither matters, nor is it important. Inane�the issue is inane.

I keep hoping, in a sick and demented kind of way, that I�ll wake up tomorrow and it�ll be New Years again. It was incredible�it truly was. It was the first night that I didn�t worry. I had no worries that night. Was it due to the alcohol? Maybe. Was it due to the fact that I couldn�t tell if the room was spinning because of the alcohol or the strobe light? That may be. Either way, I had no worries.

I never intended on drinking that much. I figured, a glass�maybe two. But, I had to force myself to stop when it got down to enough for just one more glass. I didn�t want my parents to think I was a drunk or something. I didn�t want to stop. I wanted those little bubbles to continue to float away the troubles�the pains�the things that always made me worry. With each drink, a new fire burned within�a new passion�one that didn�t care what others thought�one that didn�t worry�one that felt happy�relieved�relaxed. Yet, I knew it was probably alcohol related�but I still wanted to cling that it was a sign of a new me�a new horizon.

The resolution that means the most to me was the one where I said I �didn�t want to worry�. Yes, I�m sure worrying can be good at times and keep me out of trouble�but it got to the point where I couldn�t be happy. My worry wouldn�t let me. I wouldn�t let me be happy.

I thought about all the pain�the bad memories�the mistakes I made this last year. Everything was coming to me like hail in a storm. It was pounding on me. I couldn�t get away. I just wanted to shut myself up in a hole and hide. Then, something incredible happened.

I thought of Josh.

You�re probably thinking, �oh, big deal�you think of him all the time�. Yes, but that�s because of what he does to me. He makes me happy. I can let go and not think when I�m with him�and I know it�ll be ok. I thought of how he told me not to worry�that I never need to worry. That, if something every bothered me�to let go of it and let him have it. He�d kiss away the pain and take away the worry. That�s exactly what he does, too. He doesn�t like it when I worry�I don�t like it when I worry�frankly, no one likes it. I don�t even know how Wendy puts up with me worrying so much. She must be a true friend. It bothers Josh when I worry. He feels he should be able to take that away�make me safe�happy�relaxed. He does too...in so many ways. The main reason I would worry wasn�t necessarily because of what I wanted�it was mainly because I didn�t want to disappoint. I wanted my Dad proud of me so much. I wanted to please everyone. It got to the point where I didn�t even know how to please ME. Josh told me I didn�t let anyone down accept myself. I could never let him down�it was ME that I was letting down. I replay him telling me that all the time�because�he�s right. He knows he�s right. I know he�s right. Why can�t I just accept that? I am. I�m trying to overcome it.

He told me I was beautiful. No one tells me that. Dad is always telling me I�m too fat and ugly for a husband some day and he always makes me feel lower than dirt. My friends, for the most part, most of them use to cut me down. �Oh, I was joking�. Right, you joke with something once�twice�three times max�.but not CONSTANTLY. After a while, I�m bound to take it personally. I never asked Josh to say I was beautiful. I never asked him to even say I was cute. As a matter of fact, he doesn�t even say it at a time where it could be a line. He doesn�t say it to get his way. I think he really means it. The other day, mom looked at me and out of the blue said I was beautiful. It didn�t mean jack to me. I know that somehow she did it to ruin the effect of Josh�s words. It sucks, to be quite frank. But, Josh is convinced I AM beautiful. Heh, maybe he sees something I don�t�I don�t know�but it means a LOT�it really does.

I don�t know if it was when I was dancing with my strobe light in the kitchen�or when I was spinning in my room�or when everything blurred and I lost all real thought�I�m not sure when it was exactly on New Years, that I let go. I was able to say, �I am going to accept me. I am NOT going to worry. I am going to be worry free. I am going to not sweat the small stuff. I�ll worry ONLY when it�s necessary.� When I said those words, I said them out loud. They still linger on my lips. The residue is sweet�like a fine wine.

I hope the last couple days is a sign of how my year is going to be. With me, a new me� happier�content. Now I�m hoping this all didn�t come as a result of too much Spumonte. Or that it�s not from bumping my head when I fell�haha. I�m going to say this is the start of my resolution. It�s a new start. No lies this year�no deceit. No broken promises�no pain. No false hope�no guilt. No fake emotions�false love.

Wish me luck in this New Year�as I wish you all the happiness and strength you need to get you through. Best of luck to all of you. You�ll be hearing from me again soon�.very soon.