Once upon a time, I deleted these entries...anyway, I'm going through old files and deleting them and decided to put the old entries back in here:

by the way, these are OLD entries...I don't feel these ways now.

21/10/2002

Faucett,

Please listen to me now. I�ve tried to make it clear to you that I don�t want to date you. Yes, age is one factor. But that�s not it. I�m not attracted to you in any way, shape, or form. Don�t take it too personally. I�ve tried many ways to let you know this without coming out and saying it. It�s really a gain for you. See, you don�t want to waste a crush on me. I�m not the kind of person one should want to crush on. I�m not a good person. You see, you don�t know me good enough to know some of that yet. Either that or the fact you are blinded by the illusion I wanted you to have. I do things that are not good. I manipulate to get my way. I make a goal that is unrealistic and something I would never really want and then focus all my attentions on achieving it, whatever it may be. Once I finally do, that�s it. It was never something I wanted in the first place, so I don�t know what to do with it. I just let it die out and then start over manipulating something else.

You see, I have a thing that I shall refer to as �egolosteem�. I have a big enough ego that I like to talk about me. I like to tell people things they don�t need to know so I can talk�so *I* can do things�so *I* can manipulate�so *I* can make ME feel good. Yet, at the same time, I have low self-esteem. Low enough to the point that I don�t think I�ll ever accomplish anything I really want in life. I�m not good enough. I�m not worthy.

I�d be a horrible girlfriend too. So, really, I�m sparing you. I use to date because it was �the thing to do��I�m a girl, I�m a teen...I�m suppose to date, right? The few guys I really ever cared about, I pushed away. I would have rather dated an abusive prick than to date someone I really cared about. Why? Because once they saw my faults, if they didn�t like me then I could say �well, he sucks anyway��but if I really cared, REALLY cared, it�d hurt like hell. I can�t do that. I�m afraid. Look at Corey. The first guy I ever really cared about and I found a reason to dump him. I made up a reason. I denied ever saying �yes� to become his girlfriend. That�s what I did. I was scared. I didn�t want to lose him. Now, things are so different between him and I. I use to really be able to picture �us� and now, I can�t. He�s stuck by me through the years. He knows my flaws. He knows how I manipulate. He even knows the REAL reason we broke up that first time was because I was scared. Look at Elisha. I dated him but not because I really liked him. He was the most abusive I�ve ever seen. Yet, it was fine, �he sucks anyway��See what I mean? I�m not the kind of girl you should want.

"Oh, but it�ll be different, you can�t push me away. You can�t. I�ll never leave you. I promise.� Wrong. Don�t say it. Don�t EVER say it. It makes me try even harder to push you away. It makes me want the guy more. Damn it, why have I been so stupid before?

Just do me a favor, Faucett. Don�t waste a crush on me. Don�t do it.

I�m going to try to stop the manipulations. I�m going to try to work on my REAL goals and not the fake ones that I was �expected� to have. I�m going to try�try�and I�m going to work hard not to let my �egolosteem� get in the way.

Wish me luck.

I'd just like to say my opinions have obviously changed since I wrote that. I think I'm a rather good girlfriend, thank you. Anyway, that was to some guy with the last name Faucett. In NO way does that apply to Josh. I care about him too much...hehe.

Sometimes I think I focus WAY too much time thinking about guys. I don't necessarily try to...but I do. OH, and what's up with one of the dreams I had last night? I had a dream where EVERY guy I've ever liked talked to me even if just for a few seconds. I realized how many guys I've liked and some of the SHALLOW reasons why. I don't deserve a boyfriend. Truth be known, maybe I just want one because I'm expected to have one. I EXPECT myself to have one. Silly? yes, but it's true. Won't I be fine without one? Yes. So why worry? Why think about guys ALL the time? I may be 17 and thinking about guys may be one of my favorite past times...but all in all...it's beginning to depress me. Boys suck. They always have and always will.

Again, I'd like to add a side note. Josh doesn't suck. He's an incredible guy. And guys aren't on my mind ALL the time now...but Josh is...just Josh is :D

It doesnt take much to make me happy.

I found a joke that is hilarious:

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." That's it! She blows her top! "You bum! You waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "It's started!"

Anyway, read the prior entry. Hehe, it's my one month anniversary with Josh :D