I'm a sinner.

We all are, right? Well, I'm bad. I've done things lately, thought things...things I never would have done a few years ago.

I use to be the holiest little girl. I went around witnessing to everyone. I invited everyone to church. I never cussed. I never could lie without immediately repenting and pleading for forgiveness. I didn't lust, I didn't even understand what that was really. I never questioned things. I went to church EVERY time I could. I knew what I wanted in life...and that was to please my parents and more importantly live strictly by God's will.

Somewhere, I must have made a wrong turn. Things have changed so fast.

I don't go to church as much as I did...and when I'm there, it doesn't feel the same.

I cuss occationally...I'll work on that. Cussing is bad.

Lying. Well, I've gotten good at deceiving my parents. Does that count? I'll pray and work on this too.

Lust. I now fully understand it's concept. I've sunken into a world where I think more about sex...desires...fleshly things.

Sins of the flesh are bad. They are BAD! You can burn for fleshly sins. How can I do these things? How can I? I use to SWEAR I wouldnt have sex until I was married...now, I've been questioning that. Smack me someone. Knock me down. Help me break this pattern. I'm spiraling. I'm thinking naughty things. I'm wanting naughty things. I'm bad. Help me, God. Please.

I came to a realization tonight...a conviction.

I was listening to Christmas songs and lying on my bed. However, I wasn't thinking Godly things. I wasn't thinking about the Holy Spirit. I wasn't thinking about how Jesus is the reason for the season. Instead, I was thinking of naughty things. I was daydreaming.

"O Holy Night" started playing. I broke down in tears. How can I be so selfish? I was thinking about ME, not the dear baby Jesus. I feel to my knees. I cried. I begged God to forgive me. I begged him to forgive me for my fleshly desires.

I kept crying.

I finally logged onto this trusted Christian Teen Advice site. A girl had asked "how far" she and her Christian boyfriend could go. The main argument people made was that she was wrong just in asking...that instead of saying "how far" can we go, it should be "how pure" can we be?

Do they have a point? Yes.

I read on.

Here's my newly developed theory:

Can you date? Yes.
Can you kiss? Yes.
Can you french? Sure.
Can you hold hands? Yes.
Can you "explore"? I don't know. That's where I get lost. I'm going to say it depends on why you do it, how you do it, and if it involves too much temptation or not.
Can you have sex? Yes, if you're married.

I looked at the True Love Waits ring my Dad gave me when I turned 16. I truly meant to keep that promise. I figured it'd be easy. IT'S NOT EASY. Little did I know, I'd be here now...typing this...thinking this...feeling this.

I still think True Love Waits.

I do, however, remember the words my Dad said once Mom wasn't around, "Roni, sex is a beautiful thing. It's great. Don't think I'm saying you can't have sex unless you're married. If you truly love someone, I want you to have the joy of sex. Is it a sin? That's between you and God."

I replay those words...over and over...I can hear him saying them. I can picture that moment.

I'm going to try to stick to the "no sex before marriage" policy. Wish me luck. It's going to be hard at times, I now know that.

As for now, I'm feeling better. I'm beginning to feel like the Old Roni again. The Roni I was meant to be.

Merry Christmas everyone. Jesus is the reason for the season.

God Bless!