It's 3am. I am sitting here doing nothing. I can't go to bed because it would be useless. I'm not sleepy, yet this eerie exhaustion is sneaking up upon me. I have thousands of thoughts running through my head. Thoughts of what? Lots of things: religion, death, life, my future, guys, flowers, and I also have a series of songs running in my head, and etc.

Let's clarify those things, shall we?

Religion. What about it? Simple, the time has come that I am going to leave North Park for good. I'm going to start going to Immanuel permenently,well, for now anyway. I feel I have all I can get from North Park. Why is this a big deal? Simple, I've ALWAYS went to North Park. This is a big change for me. I'm going from the church I grew up in, which is now one of the biggest baptist churches in Moberly...to the smallest baptist church.

Death. I have recently lost not one, but TWO friends in different wrecks. Just like a NORMAL person, this provoked me to think of death. Good-bye Tiffany Tolson! Good-bye Jacob Schafer! I'll miss you two. You were a great friend Tiff! Love you like a brother,Jacob!

Life. What about it? simple, if you think of death, you think of life. Also, My nephew Austin (the cute blonde Nick Carter-look-a-like) turned 5 this week. WOW he's growing up.

My future. Dad doesnt want me to be a psychologist. He wants me to through MY dream out the window because he doesn't think I'll make it. He thinks the money will stop me. He thinks it takes too long. He wants me to do something that is "valuable to my future" like going into business. Screw the CPA certificate Dad. Let me atleast TRY for my dream. Let me live MY life. I'm sorry you had crappy parents, but don't treat me like this because of that. Encourage me once in a while. Have I ever actually pleased you? Does it matter? YES. I wanted to make you happy. I just wanted you to be proud of me. But Dad, if you don't accept me for who I am...then it's hard for me to accept myself. You are my father, so where is my support? encouragement? why can't you be proud of me? why can't you say "I love you" first? when you do say it, why do you feel forced? I love you Daddy. I want you proud of me. Mom is. Why can't you be?

Guys. So many guys, so little time. Not really. I have really bad luck with guys. Damn it Kolin. I never lied to him. I liked him. I cared. I played fuckin' tennis for him, and I HATE tennis. and what does he do? the first time sarah criticizes me then he "doubts he can trust me". What the hell? (wait, am I cursing, great...that's lovely. I dont like cursing). Sarah told you she lied about me. She apologized. You dont talk to her anymore. But, I quit liking Jeremy for you. You liked me. Why the insecurity? why the untrust? Why Kolin? Why?

Flowers. I think my FAKE flowers died. I'm not sure how. I know it's not possible, but they look like they died. Weird,ay?

Songs. Somehow, (thanks schatze) I have a Rammstein song in my head. Don't know how. "Ich will" is the song, and yes, I understand it (I looked up 98% of the words...lol). I have heard it. It's cool. I also have "I want you to want me" by Cheap Ticket in my head. Also, "hero" by Enrique Iglesias. Except, the spanish and english versions of that is floating. I have ONE other song in my head...Nelly's "Hot in Herre". I dont know why all those songs are stuck in my head, but hey...it could be worse! It could have been something like the "itsy,bitsy spider"...so thankfully...the songs are good atleast.

It's now 3:14, I think I'm beginning to bore myself. I might actually TRY to go to sleep, who knows?

g'night, well...er....um...have a good day you sleepy heads! lol