As I sit here, I know this entry is going to be read by someone. It's comforting to know that someone is going to care enough to read this and maybe even care.

Thoughts are running through my head. They are as constant as the flowing water that makes up a river. The thoughts are changing as rapid as a tornado but yet they have only appeared like a gentle breeze.

What is wrong with me? It's like everything I worked so hard to hide for many years are finally coming a float. I'm facing things straight on. Many of these issues are extraneous. They have no effect on my life as it is today.

Then why am I so confused? Why does even the slightest flicker mean a thousand words? Why am I digging up old feelings?

Maybe this is all about coping. I admit it; I really don't cope very well. It's not psychological. People learn to cope in the same way that the people around them cope. I'm not saying that I'm not my own person. I am saying, however, that seeing how my parents cope deeply affect me. My mom uses a lot of emotion when she is coping, this includes everything from crying to excluding herself. She copes in a healthy way. Psychologists agree that emotion is the healthiest way to cope. Then what's my problem? My problem is that I don't cope like my mother. I cope more like my father does. Yes, people cope in different ways...but they usually do it in a fashion that is similar to someone they know and have seen face different situations. How does my father cope? I don't know. I've never actually seen him cope with things. He often conceals his feelings. He disguises them. If you confront him about it in order to "try to help"...he gets mad and is very contraceptive. Do I do this? I tend to. I'm trying to learn how NOT to do that. That is what I'm doing this very moment. For the first time, I'm trying to cope in a different way than I usually do. I'm not trying to conceal it anymore. I'm trying not to cry or be too emotional. I'm trying to cope verbally.

What am I trying to cope with? Am I forming a persona? What am I doing?

This could all be a part in my search to find myself. It's nothing serious, but I need to fix my confusion.

I'm confused about life, friends, love, religion, and even who I really am.

I don't know my purpose in life. I believe everyone has a purpose, but I still don't know mine. I don't even know for sure where I'll be ten years from now. Will I still be going into psychology? I don't know. I'm not even sure my goals in life anymore.

I don't know who my true friends are. It's apparent that "S" wasn't. That is why I ditched her. But how true are my other friends? Are they going to "kick me" when I'm down like she did? Are they going to constantly criticize me? Are they going to stick by me?

I don't know about love. I don't even know who I like anymore. Will they share my feelings? I don't know. Maybe I'm just looking for that certain someone in all the wrong places. Maybe I already know him and am just too blind to see it. Maybe I'm too selfish or too egotistical to see someone that is right in front of me. Maybe my expectations are just too high.

I don't know about religion. I don't want to. Religion is NOT what saves you. Faith in God saves you. Going through Jesus Christ saves you. Making him your personal Lord and Savior is what saves you. Then why do I even care about religion? I'm not saying all religions other than mine are wrong. However, I do think my father is being ridiculous when he won't let me check into other religions because of a fear that they will corrupt me. He was fine before, so why is he worried now? He let me check into the Catholic belief, the Jewish belief, and even the beliefs of Jehovah Witnesses and Muslims. Shoot, I even studied Buddhism. But, Mormonism is a different story. His mother is now a Mormon. He objects soooo much. If Grandma is one...then don't I atleast deserve to know about her newly founded faith? Her new religion? Don't I deserve to know why my religion is where I belong? When my kids ask me why I'm Baptist..I don't want to just give them the facts about my beliefs and how they are right. I want to be able to say why I don't believe differently, why I'm not a different religion. Is that so wrong?

If I don't know about those things (love,friendship,religion)...how am I suppose to know who I really am? I need to know those things. I need to find them on my journey. I am on a journey to find myself. I'm on a journey of self-discovery.

The first thing I need to do is find the main source of my confusion. Then I can solve it. Then I can cope. Then I can move on and start my journey.