WOW! My own journal...and to think of all the notebooks I have filled through the years. Well...I owe Wendy a big thanks for setting this up...so Wendy "THANKS"..hehe.

Anyway..to the personal stuff....

I am so mad at Kolin. He's confused,then he's not...then he thinks I like Jeremy,then he doesnt care,blahblahblah. I wish he would make up his mind. I dont even know if I'm his friend or not anymore. I havent went to his baseball games in a while and I dont know if I'm going to again. Dad actually went with me to one, that was great..and my one of my best memories of him yet. Dad has never really done anything with me unless it's bass fishing related. As a matter of fact, until my plaque for the National History Govt Award came a couple days ago..the only award he ever really commented on was my bass trophy. The only reason he's proud of my plaque though is b/c he thinks it will look good for scholarships. He is so tight with his money that he objects to my dream college,which I'll never get accepted into anyway (Washington University in St.Louis), b/c he wants me to go to a "cheap" college..it's my future,not his. I'm so sick of him trying to have me live his life. I'm going to go into Psychology and that doesnt make him happy because it takes about 14 years to get what I want in that field. I will have a minor though,so what's his problem? Anyway..back to Kolin...Mom doesnt like him. She thinks he's stuck up. She likes Jeremy! Ha! Jeremy doesnt know I'm alive and to tell you the truth,I dont think he ever really cared enough to notice. But oh, he said hi once so "he's a gentleman"...sheesh mom!

I keep having weird nightmares about Corey dying in a car wreck and it scares me. I may not talk to him much..but I dont want him to die! He was the first guy I really loved and the first one to break my heart! I still care about him, I mean he is a friend. I dont know why I keep having the nightmares,but it's really getting creepy.

My favorite quote has always been this short poem by Langston Hughes:

"Hold fast to dreams

For if dreams die,

Life is a broken-winged bird

that cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams

For when they go,

Life is a barren field

frozen with snow."

That always meant a lot to me. It means so much. The thing is, I dont even know what my dreams are anymore. It's like I've lost myself and cant find me again. I dont know why or how it happened. All I know is it looks like I'm going to be on a search again...a search for myself.