I almost died yesterday.
I totally almost died and killed my mother, as well.
So I'm driving back from Rolla and it's raining hard and dark...I slightly go off the road and when I hit the side, the gravel catches the back tire. It jerks the car and I didn't know what to do. Well apparently I did WRONG. The next thing I know, the car is flying all over and I have no control. I'm bouncing from the opposite side of the road the swinging in circles on my side of the road. It's all over the place and I can't stop it. If we go off into the ditch, we'll surely die. If we flip over, it'll kill us. It's useless...I suddenly feel like I'm out of my body and watching it all from above the van. I'm freaked. I feel a warm hand on my leg trying to calm me. I see my mom's hand on my wheel trying to help me. Her other hand is holding on for her life. So who the hell is touching me? I'm freaking out and the van is about to kill us. Mom just keeps screaming "It's ok, stay calm. Make sure your feet are off the brake!" All I can picture is "oh my god I'm about to kill my mom!" Finally the van spins to a stop. I jump out and dash to the other side and tell mom to drive. I'm shaking for the remainder of the trip. All mom can say is "that would have been a fatality but you handled it well...calm down"
Then it dawned on me...do you realize what that would have done to James? For us to just fix things and then me to die? Wow.

Before the scary stuff, Mom was discussing her new job. It turns out she doesn't get 7.10 starting...she gets 7.45!!!!! *angels sing* Awesomeness, right? She's nervous about today though. Normally they jobshadow a few times before they are alone with a client...but not my mother. They tell her that she's great and can do it and today she's alone with her first client. I'm proud of her, really.

But why was I in Rolla? Well simple...he had my Dad's computer and since we were broken up...we wanted it back. Mom went to get it but she's not a night driver.
James had asked to see me.
I was nervous as all heck.

I so wanted to jump in his arms when he asked for me. I wanted to say "yes yes yes" when he wanted to fix us. For once, I didn't. I did what my new counselor said. I stopped and I actually gave it some thought. I didn't want him to be rushing it back unless he truly was ready. I love him and I just want him happy.

So yes, we are back together and I couldn't be happier. It's different this time. I know it's a blessing to have him and I know I should try to earn his love (which he willingly gives). I just want him happy and I just want to try my best to make this work. I'm going to continue counseling. I don't want to be so pushy and manipulative. I don't ever want him to feel again like I don't take our commitment serious. He is the most serious thing in the world to me. He means so much. I can live without him...but I choose not to.

I'm happy.
I feel loved.
I love James.
This is where we should be.