Dear Journal,
Hi. It's been a few days since I've came and wrote in here so I figured I'd catch you up. James is asleep right now. You can hear faint sleep sounds and occasional snoring coming from my bed. It's so cute. Yeah, well anyway...now is my chance to post without him knowing it.
There are so many things going on in my life right now. I feel so overwhelmed and lost and confused. I could talk to James about it, but it's the same ol crap that happens all the time to me.
Just when my life is beginning to look well...then *BOOM* Now, I know this happens to other people but I'm really sick of it happening to me.
I'm in a situation where I don't know what to do about anything. Yes, about anything. Let's look at school first. I was feeling soooooo burnt out at the beginning of this semester. I know, it's only been a few weeks in...but anyway, UMR doesn't really have what I need. I'm wanting to major in wildlife conservation...the closest they come here is biology and believe it or not, the courses still aren't exactly what I need. I only came back here this semester for 2 reasons. One was to be with Kappa Delta...but crap, that fell through big time. The other reason was to actually say I stayed at a college for a solid year without leaving. Then I realized I was doing this to prove a point to others...not to me. I already have self respect and know who I am.
So here I am...a girl resigning from KD, proving points to no one, and being miserable. I was skipping classes that I planned on dropping. Then I was going to add classes to make up for them. The problem is, I can't find my slip to turn it in to get the acknowledgement for the class I picked up and of course my advisor teaches it so he knows he signed the slip already. Gah. Then, I was dropped from a class I was counting on. Apparently this one professor decided to count attendance in both lab and lecture together against me. That's the only way I can figure that I missed enough to be dropped. She wrote me a really hateful email. So now I'm WAY below how many credit hours I was counting on. As a matter of fact, James doesnt even think it's worth it to be here this semester with so few hours. I worry about financial aid, sure, but it's my own damned fault. I can't leave here. If I did, I'd have no where to go. I can't move back home. My Dad is far too abusive. I don't know what's going to happen but I have to figure this out by tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow. *sighs*
Then we have the situation with KD. It's being a pain to resign from. They kept giving me the run around. I finally have everything but when she wants to meet, I usually can't. GAH.
Oh but don't think all in my life is bad. I met James' family. His Mother is great. Hillary seems like a really cool high schooler. Rick is a lot like I pictured him, which, is also good. I'd say more about the trip but that would bring up a topic that I swore to James I wouldn't mention. *sighs* oh the secrecy. oh the horror. /end sarcasm.
Now back to the negatives...I'm unmotivated, lost and confused, and feeling like my world is suddenly very small.
This rant won't make sense to most. Heck, I don't know what I even want to come of it.
I just know that right now the thought of digging a hole, jumping in, and slowly filling it with dirt over me...sounds very appealing.