If you were to ask me this morning how my day was going...I would have simply smiled and said "super"
That was before we had a talk.
If you were to have asked me how I thought I did on my test...I would have smiled and said "I think I did great"
But now I dont feel like smiling.
If you were to have asked me how Subway was...I would have smiled and told you that it was nice for a change.
But it's all gone now.
If you were to ask me how it felt to run into old friends on campus...I would have smiled and asked why you did not tell me that a simple change in route would allow me to see my friends I haven't seen in a while.
But really...what's the point in mentioning it now?
Suddenly I feel a whirl of emotions.
Anger.
Hurt.
Selfishness.
Relief.
Bitter.
Sweet.
Calm.
I knew this day was coming. It's been coming for a long time.
I hate saying goodbyes.
I hate things being forever.
I absolutely hate it.
William and I are no longer friends.
It's for the best, but it hurts like hell.
I had painted this world in my mind. I painted my ideal future. My ideal house. My ideal backyard. My ideal husband. I painted William in to fill those shoes.
It wasn't really that I thought William was it...it's just he made it so simple to paint him in.
I feel like someone took a paintbrush, dabbed it in black, and just started drawing lines all over my beautiful, beautiful painting.
He wanted me to be something I'm not.
I'm not dependent on a man.
I'm not going to fill the void of his wife.
I'm not going to put my life on hold until he's back in the states.
"well my wife emailed me wanting me back"
You know how many times you've mentioned this? Yeah, I may bring up some things a lot, too. I'm not jealous of your wife though. I'm also not going to be yours until you were divorced. I feel like that's what you wanted. You wanted a guarantee that the second you were divorced that I'd just fall into my role and be yours. I can't promise that. I'm no where near ready for that.
"you know what i have a fix for this you go your way and ill go mine and by the way no i dotn want her i have not wanted her for over 8 months"
Yeah, you actually said that JUST because I had no comment on your wife wanting you back. I knew you didnt want her back but why do I have to respond a certain why? Why do I have to fill into a certain role? Why do you always threaten the same thing? Do you really think I couldn't be without you?
"I dont care ever sence your friend james showed up we have not been geting along like we used to"
Honey, he's my boyfriend. Do we have to go over this?
Sure if James hadnt have showed up when he did...things could still be all warm and fuzzy between you and I...but let's face it, I'm glad he's back and I'm happy with him. Sooner or later you and I would have crashed anyway.
So I decided to let you go. As...well, anything and everything. I don't need you as a boyfriend and I don't need you as a friend.
I'm tired of you always threatening to ditch me. You should have just done it if I were truly that bad of a person.
"your making the desion not me but ok have a good life i wish you the best. i only hope the best for you. your going to make a great wildlife consevationest"
I always appreciated that you believed me in but I really wish you would have just left our goodbye at that.
"you were the last onption that i was looking in to.. i think i will just hangout with my son and have fun"
Why are you so dependent on women? Why do you think you HAVE to have one? Did you think your statement would guilt trip me back?
So I told you that I'd still be around if someday you wanted a friend or wanted to talk...
" ha i never go back to thoughs who leave my bye have a good one "
I don't know...maybe I'm a fool for giving more than one chance, but I'm happy with giving James a second one so maybe you should reconsider what you just said. Maybe there's someone in your past you could give a second chance to.
Anyway let's fast forward past your guilt tripping. You actually said something that meant a lot to me.
"everythings about communicating relationship friendships war its all about being able to communicate feeling emothions order whatever it may be your not good at it and it want work if you cant communicate"
I agree. It's all about communication. I don't think we had a lack of it though. I think you just didn't like some of the things I'd say and I didn't like some of what you'd say. Apparently one can not edit the meaning of another one's words.
So I wanted to end on a happy note. I hate goodbyes, really I do. But you just wouldn't let me have that, would you?
me: maybe someday I'll meet you in GA...and that'd be nice... until then, you know how to reach me if you ever just want to say hi. bye william
william: hi ronie bye roni
william: sorry it had to end like this i had high hopes for us but i guess it just was not ment to be.
me: you gave it up awful easy for me to believe you meant that...so seriously it doesnt matter now. Bye.
william: you know what i let you decide so your the one who fucking gave up not me
william: but bye have a nice life......you know sence it dont matter then i guess ill block you and take myself off your little web site thing too bye
me: as you wish...
I don't know if you're going to block me. I don't know if I care.
I use this song over the years a lot for when I say goodbye to someone and now I'm going to leave it for you. Maybe someday you'll read this entry. Maybe you won't. I do hope the best for you.
"I Hope You Dance" ~Lee Ann Womack
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
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William,
I'm sorry I couldn't be whatever it is you were wanting. I really do think you should be single a while once you do get your divorce. I want you to know, I took your pictures off my wall. I'm sorry to see you go and your company will be missed.
Good luck in everything.
Roni Ann
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Rejoice in hope;
be patient in affliction;
be persistent in prayer.
- Romans 12:12
...and in words...I find strength