I�m sad.

I�m crying.
I have a headache.

I just want someone to cuddle with right now.

Oh and before I go on�to my boy�I�m not sad with you though. You make me happy. You just weren�t here when I was needing to rant earlier is why I didn�t come to you first.

Now that said�I decided it�s easier to just show you a convo I had that shows how I feel and what�s going on right now with my Mom.

It�s kinda long and he knows I pasted it in here and he�s fine with it. I just really need to express these feelings before I pop.

ME: just got off the phone with cassie

William: and what did the two of you talk about

ME: about my mom...she is having a bad health problem... and about my boy issue

William: what did she say about your boy issues?? i hope your mom gets better

ME: actually can I talk to you about my mom first? b/c I really need to just talk about that for a minute....it bothers me a lot

William: ok whats up

ME: she fell

ME: twice

ME: she was at work and she just fell over

ME: got scrapped up bad and bruised badly

ME: they thought she had a heart attack... then she did it again the next day at her other job

ME: just fell

ME: so she was rushed to ER twice

William: so whats the problem

ME: they thought she had a heart attack or stroke BUT it turns out she was soooo stressed that her brain just kinda shut off for a few minutes

ME: and she has bronchitis on top of it

ME: but I feel like it's my fault she got hurt

William: why do you feel that ifs your fault

ME: I mean.... she has 2 jobs...she's trying so hard to pay all her bills and help me with college...so I feel like I'm part of the blame. she says I'm not and that I'm not why she has two jobs and that my dad is a big role in it, but I seriously feel like it's me. I feel like she shouldnt have to be working two jobs or helping me with college

William: well thats bad. shes trying to help you roni she cares about you. its not you it most likely is your dad and i think that from the way you tell me about him

ME: he wont help me at all...and I cant get enough aid to pay everything... and mom wants to help me with college. I had this big college fund at one time but my dad used the money so when I actually got to college, all the stuff I saved was gone...so she's trying to help me and I know my dad could easily pay all the bills and help me too with what he gets paid but he dont...he uses all the money for himself or just sits on it.... so mom has to have 2 jobs and I feel soo much like it's all my fault even though it's not. It makes me want to get an apartment and quit school for a year and just work and save my money so she doesnt have to work... but I cant do that either

ME: mom is in debt....and dad wont help her.. and she's trying to help my sisters since they are short on cash... and at the same time trying to support me... and I feel like I'm too much of a burden and I feel my dad is a jackass

William: i know yoiu cant you need to keep going for what you want....you always seem so happy when you tell me about what you want to do with yourlife. it be ok but when you start making them big bucks dont forget mom

ME: well even now when I get a little cash on my own I try to help mom out... that's why my bank account is messed up b/c I let her use it and sometimes she wrote bad checks and I know that's why I have bad credit too b/c I had credit cards and I let her use them and I never used them but then she got behind in paying them but she didnt want me to pay them since I never used them...if that makes sense.... so I do want to help my mom...but I feel so guilty righ tnow and I seriously just feel like giving it all up

ME: and you know what ticks me off? no one told me that mom was hurt...no one told me that she was in and out of ER... no one told me at all.... Becky didnt want to and Cassie thought I already knew and Dad told them not to tell me

William: please dont give up shes trying to help you what you need to do is support her and tell her that she loved for it.

William: i know what you mean my family did that to me with my grandpa

ME: I wouldnt fully give up...I'd finish my degree someday but I truly feel like it's my fault she has 2 jobs...and if I just took a year off, I could help her...she wouldnt have to work 2 if I was helping her...and she could focus on getting her GED (which she's trying so hard to get) and she could maybe get over all this instead of being so stressed that she falls

William: yeah but you know when people stop a dream of theres even if its for a short period of time they usally never go back to get it.

William: but i belive if you did you would finish

ME: I just... I think I'm going to cry again

ME: why cant my dad just ..... be a real husband? why cant he help her? why cant he support us? why?

William: some people just suck ass like that

ME: becky didnt go to college...she didnt even want to finish highschool but we made her... she has 2 kids and a step son and is married to an alcoholic........ in the family's eyes though she didnt let them down b/c we always knew becky was the rebel, so to speak, and always knew she'd probably be this way

ME: but cassie... she's married with 2 kids.... her husband works his ass off... and she stays at home...she's content being a stay at home mom..... she's not considered a failure b/c she's happy with what she does

ME: but me

William: yeah but you know evey one thought i would end up in jail

ME: I'm considered a failure...b/c I make mom work and I have unrealistic dreams... and it's not fair....

ME: apparently I'm suppose to be educated and get the good job but at the same time be married and doing all this on my own

William: look your dream is realistic look at it your almost there. i belive that you can do it. i belive that your moms a great person and when its alll said and done with you will be able to help her out

ME: but I'm tired of being judged by not being married or by not being done with school already.... and I'm so sick of being viewed as a failure.... and I seriously dont know what to do...I dont want to quit, but I feel like I could help

William: how old are you again

ME: 20

William: ok your still young hell..

ME: I know...and if I were to get married they'd lecture me and be like "you're too young" but at the same time, they pressure

�.anyway you get the point

Mom is having issues and I feel like it�s my fault. I don�t know what to do. A huge part of me wants to take a year off and help her. Another part thinks that�s wrong to do.

I just�I want to go cry some more �.