Do you ever feel like no one really knows you?

You can't escape your past.
You can't run from the future.
You're just stuck.

Sometimes I want to start over
with everyone
with everything

I want to erase a few things.

This last year has been so different. I'm not nearly who I used to be.

January- I confronted my past with the baby scare and the cancer problems.
February- I learned it was ok to be happy
March- I started slipping with the wrong crowd
April- I became a girl that I never could respect and never could accept
May- My world was confused, I was turned upside down
June- Burning with fury...why can't I just be me?
July- I know my goals, I think for once I know what *I* want
August- Yeah that failed so I had to come back to UMR and face my past again
September- I'm happy with me but I'm not happy with situations
October- GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh

So anyway...the point is...I know who *I* am.
I know what *I* want to do career wise.
I know what *I* like hobby wise.
I actually know a lot about *ME*

but...I'm still running
I'm running from my past
I'm scared of my future

Was I really so emotionally abused that I'm this torn about myself?

"Not All Scars Show, Not All Wounds Heal,
You Can't Always See, The Pain Someone Feels
Cut to Bleed, Cut to Feel"

I used to say that over and over.
I DO NOT feel that anymore.
I DO NOT cut.
But sometimes I don't feel.
Not all scars show...
Not all wounds heal...
but get to know me...
you'll know how I feel
That is my new version.

I want someone to challenge themself to get to know me...and get to know themself in the process.
I want someone to cuddle with...that'll tell me I'm fine just the way I am.
I want someone I can tell everything to...my inner concerns...and trust with my fears.
I want someone to truly care.

Why is it so hard to find that?
Why do people seem so cruel?
Why are people so caught up in themselves?
Why?

I'm not saying I want a boyfriend.
I'm not saying I don't have friends.
I'm saying I want a special friend...one that makes me feel like when I need them, then the world can melt away and I can lay all my troubles out and they will listen to me.
They will listen to me cry or laugh or just scream.
They will comfort me.
They will be a shoulder or a wall. Yes, a wall, sometimes I need that.

*sighs*
Maybe I expect too much...