Don't you hate it when something's been eatting at you and you're doing good holding it in...and then you just release it all? I do because then it results in tears and you feeling dumb.

Here, analyze it...I don't care. I just need to find someone else that understands.

Oh and yes I replaced his name with an *...because well, it's none of your business :)

* : still.......i would be nervous
* : lol i'm not one of those swingers who brags about how good i am
Me: I'm not even a swinger *shrugs*
* : but u r interested in it......that makes u one, esp since u have done it ;)
Me: but.... I dont wanna be one
* : u don't? what do u want to do then?
Me: as much fun as it is...I wouldnt ALWAYS want to be one
* : ah....i don't plan on that either
Me: why not? you love it though
* : yes i love it.....but i may fall for a woman that i love more
Me: but doesnt that clash with your thing about......love has no room for jealousy?
* : lol true, but i could love her too much to have room for jealousy
Me: you know, you're really confusing me
* : lol y is that?
* : its not that confusing.......i may find a woman that i feel i don't want to swing anymore with
Me: you know how I've messed with one true swinger? He told me once that I cant have a bf that doesnt approve of swinging.. but that's what I want. I dont want a guy that wants me to swing. I want one that...wants me to himself.....
* : thats very true
Me: so what's wrong with me?
* : nothing at all
Me: see this is my problem....
* : u may just give up swinging when u have a bf
Me: sure swinging is amusing but my nonswinger friends dont think I shoudl do it... and my swinger friends think I'm wrong for thinking this way about wanting a guy to want me to himself
Me: so I feel like I cant win
* : what if u found a bf that u met through swinging?
Me: most swingers are married and the ones that arent would probably never give up swinging
* : true, but some may be like me and consider it
* : i almost did once
Me: I'd never pick up a bf while swinging
* : thats a good idea in your situation
* : for me, we actually had met at a swing party.....and we discussed stopping at length
* : and we were engaged
* : and i was going to stop
Me: but see, I dont go to swinger parties... I'm scared the guy will leave me there
* : lol, thats a big no no
Me: by the way...you said "your situation"...what's my situation?
* : wanting a bf that doesn't want to share u...........
Me: but that wont happen b/c I screwed myself over
Me: the decent guys would never want me if they knew about the swinging....and swinging boys scare me
* : then don't tell them
Me: I'd have to....
Me: I couldnt hide something like that
Me: and besides if it were the other way around, I'd want them to tell me
* : true
* : then u may need to stop now, if u want a bf like that
Me: I cant though... I mean, it's enticing...and it's....kinda weird
* : what do u mean?
Me: swinging defeated me... and....it's like I have to keep it close or it will again
* : defeated u?
Me: know how I had a guy I wanted to marry?
* : yes
Me: well he met this girl... and she told him about open relationships and swinging and well he liked the idea but was scared to tell me....so instead of running it by me, he just started feeling smothered and stuck and figured he'd never get that with me... so he ended it...and is now engaged to her and they are super open...and it's just...well, swinging defeated me
* : i understand
* : so u don't feel its erotic, its just a defeat thing?
Me: so....when nick dumped me and I started talking to my ex and found all that out... and about the same time this guy I was interested in told me he was a swinger...it just gave me this weird desire to check it out....to see what was so good about it that you know, caused me to lose the guy I wanted so badly...... and then it just kept going....and now, I'm stuck
Me: and now you're either mad or think I'm dumb
* : lol y would i be mad?
* : and u r not dumb
Me: but I did the whole swinging thing for the wrong reasons and now I'm in this little....limbo
* : do u want to do it?
* : i couldn't be mad...its not like i'm going to be your bf lol
Me: I dont know... sometimes it seems the only people that are even remotely nice to me are swingers
* : swingers generally are nice
Me: yeah but only b/c they want laid
* : not always
* : i'm really not expecting to get laid by u
* : but i am being nice
Me: why though?
* : y not?
Me: you know you want to lay me though :P
* : i do, but i'm not expecting it, and i'm being nice because i want to be a friend, not to get laid
Me: so I feel like I'm in this big pickle...and it almost eats at me
* : if we did fuck, it would be as friends, and not b/c i was just being nice lol
* : i understand
Me: no if we fucked it'd be because you're a swinger
* : true, but not b/c i'm being nice
Me: but wouldnt most swingers be mad at me for thinking this way?
* : probably
* : but i'm not
Me: so I dont see why you're not
* : i feel that diff't ppl come into swinging for diff't reasons
Me: so....am I.....technically... a swinger?
* : its not my place to judge
* : yes
Me: but...
* : but?
Me: then that ruins the good boys
* : then quit being one
Me: but I dont know what else to be anymore...
* : y do u feel u need to swing?
Me: I dont know...something's wrong with me
* : nothing is
Me: did you ever think this way?
* : some
* : there are nice boys that would accept that u swung in the past
Me: but I cant tell them b/c I'm scared they'd run off
* : then u would be better off
* : if they can't accept what u have done in the past........
Me: lol...why dont more boys like you exist then?
* : no idea
* : lol
Me: so find someone like you and I'll be fine ...lol
* : i'd say so lol
Me: so know where I can find a you? LOL
* : besides me? i know a few guys lol
Me: oh oh give me one :P
* : lol
Me: but you know, you did make me feel better...*hugs you*
* : yw