Dear Diary,

We need to have a talk. A long one, so I'm sorry. I avoid saying certain things about my exs or crushes or flings for that matter... but I just can't hold it all in. So I'm sorry, to my readers... you don't need to know all of this. And to my guys that read this....don't. Please? For the sake of if I'm still friends with you or...if you ever want to not know the truth. Stop reading. And to Josh...seriously, leave now.

I loved him. More than anything in this world...I loved him. I loved him enough that I dropped my dreams, my hopes, my future...to be with him. He didn't want me to go to Truman or Wash U...he wanted to watch me. See Bill was at Truman and he thought he'd steal me. So I gave up my dreams...to go to QU. Then I practically felt like I was forcing him to go.

It was good. Everything was super. He was so in love with me and I would have given anything for him. I know we had our fights and I know sometimes he felt like I was taking away his games. Josh, I never wanted you to give up your games, I just thought that they shouldnt be your number one priority.

John kept tellng me I needed to put out or get out. Your friends made it clear you werent happy and your mom was always bugging me. I thought if I didnt fuck you, you'd leave me. Even though, I wanted so badly to wait for marriage. I was scared to death of sex. You know this. When you were finally ready to take me... I wanted to scream. You know I so didnt want to and I so wasnt ready. But I had to....I had to, to keep you. You broke my heart that day. When we're cuddling and you said to me "so what if we dont get married"...I was thinking, you were such a fucker. You just took the one that that meant sooo much to me....and it was your first and... we were planning our wedding...and now you dont give a shit? Later that night, I cried for hours. I hated you. Worst of all, I never knew about my cysts and I bled so bad. I thought I was going to die and you didnt seem to really care.

Yes, I finally admit it...I left Quincy to get away from you. I left the guy I was going to marry...I adm it it. Why? You scared me. You used me. I hated you. So then what? You dont understand, you're mad at me....so we fight and fight. Then you come here, and fuck me...and fuckin knock me up and then are really bitchy and I never can reach you. You told me I was using you for sex and you werent a toy. Me? Using you? You woudlnt even stop when I told you the condom tore.

So it was like you vanished....I had the worst times reaching you. Then...you say I'm clingy or smothering you when I cant even fucking reach you? I was scared and sick. You were my world, I had nothing. Finally I'm sick enough I had to do something. "Roni, you have cancer".....but wait, there's more...."You're pregnant" I cried the whole way home. I told my parents about the cancer but not the baby. I wanted you to be first. I called you and ....you waited until I told you about the cancer and before I got to tell you about the babies, you dumped me.

I had a mental breakdown... I couldnt do it. Finally I let you know abou the baby and you were a sick fuck. You didnt want it because you thought you were going to have to spend less on your games. I wanted you to die, let me tell ya. What kind of sick fuck does that?

Then... you wouldnt work with me. You wouldnt do anything but accuse me of "stalking" when all I wanted was 5 minutes of your time. So I didnt tell you it was a twin...the day I was going to, you had the nerve to bring the bitch, yes, I called her ...THE BITCH...with you. You treated me good when Katie wasnt around and like a dirty dog when she was. So yes, I still think she's a FUCKING, LYING, NO GOOD BITCH. Thank you, had to say it. What kind of girl willingly is the girl a guy uses to cheat on the girl he knocked up? A bitch named Katie. That's what kind. Wow, anger control...anyway...

So I hated you. Yes, I hate you still. Yes, I hate Katie. Yes, I hate your family. Yes, I never told you about the twin until recently. Why? Because you didnt give a damn when I miscarried our baby. You were fuckin happy that I was dying in the hospital because my cancer was bad and killed my baby. Both of my babies...and I was alone.

I overcame that cancer but not for you.

I hated myself for so long because I slept with you. I hated sex. I hated guys. I hated me.

Bradley got me to move on...he said I had to. I was cutting too bad and he thought I was going to die or something.

Jack was an internet fling. I had to do something to try to pretend I was over Josh. But all Jack wanted was phone sex and I'd do it because I knew Josh was banging that slut.

Then there was Warren... and I finally am with him one day while we're dating...and he makes it clear he wants to kiss me. I was still Josh's at heart and I hated Warren for kissing me. Yes babe, you were my rebound.

So things go sour about the time I start UMR. My first two weeks there, I had a different date almost every night. James though... we started something. But the entire time he was still messin with his ex and instead of telling me we have that whole big...roni gets pushed down and gets rocks in her knee cap because of James thing...

So I hated guys. I hated them all. I wanted vodka. I wanted beer. Fucking knock me out.

So I go to AEPi...finally meet up with Swirls...and I meet Nick. He's cute, he's sweet, I'm drunk. He wants me to call him. I do the next day, as he wished and he blew me off. Gah I was mad. So anyway I end up at AEPi again... and there's Nick. We talked and talked...and well, eventually I was in his room and he lost his virginity...but anyway...

I cried. I cried hard. I just had sex and it wasnt with a boyfriend and he sure as hell wasnt Josh.

So Nick and I start a relationship and he's sweet. Before long, I'm lavaliered and he's perfect. Then.. .we both leave UMR for different reasons...and what? I never hear from Nick. Until he dumps me...when he says he never wanted to even be friends and blahblahblah...all crap.

So I freak and call Josh. Why? Because my heart was broken and I didnt know what to do. I never tried to get Nick back though, and I do sometimes wonder...

I had a pregnancy scare. But Nick didnt want it after for months he said he did. Gah, no more sex for Roni.

But there's Jeff....an online guy from NYC and he makes me happy but I cant have him because he's there.

January.... Roni's doing good but this random guy, Alden, starts talking to her. He's so sweet.

February...Roni is suppose to meet Alden. Alden stands her up. Roni's sad. Roni gets online and finds eroticy.com by accident.

Roni meets Hank. Hank wants to fuck Roni. Roni wusses out. Hank never calls back.

Roni gets a random message from Jay. Jay gets Roni to check out swinging. Roni listens because she realizes guys just want sex anyway. Roni joins clubforeplay.com

Boys everywhere. Dean wants me so bad though and Jay does...it almost felt like a fight.

I have to check out swinging if I want Jay ...and I want Jay...because I dont want to be alone. So I do and I'm failing at it and he wants tme to experience it.

Along comes Scott.

So Scott is new too. We went to meet a couple but they blew us off so we ended up at Scott's place where he fucks me. I'd be doing fine but he digs out the Bible and calls me adultress.

Jay slowly disappears...Dean wants Roni...guys are coming out of the walls.

So Bob then breaks the news that he's polyamorous. Great, more terms.

Roni refreshes her adultfriendfinder.com account in hopes of finding a fairly normal guy. But at a sex site? yes, all guys want sex. Besides, random yahoo guys bug her too.

Roni meets Dean... fools around with Dean... but goes home with Bob.

Roni, by her own definition, is now a slut.

She cant have Steve...he's in Philly.
Jeff misses me... but he's in NYC.
Random Yahoo guys...they scare me.
Dean...still wants me.
Bible thumpin' Scott ..is a lying, horny, no good bastard.
Bob... he's busy with all his girls.

Roni meets more guys online.

Then there's Marc.... he's normal. How the hell does a normal guy fit into all of this? Oh, that's right... Roni's a slut to him, too.

So I'm not a slut.

So I don't hate sex... I just hate everything it stands for.

I want to give up. I want a guy that doesnt want in my pants...well not yet anyway ;)

I just sometimes... want someone to cuddle with. To hold or flirt with. I dont need a boyfriend. I just need a guy to listen, that's all I want.

Josh, I dont need you. I finally hit block...thanks to Marc.
Jack, who are you really?
Warren, I know you think somehow in your mind you can be with me, but you cant....I'm sorry you were a rebound but even know you dont know me.
James, you were such a prick but I hope you dont die from your cancer.
Random Rolla Guys, dont be out for sex so fast.
Nick, I hope you get over your Boba Fett-ish some day before you lose all girls.
Alden, you stood me up twice now. I doubt you get a third chance.
Hank, you didnt have to call but you shouldnt have promised you would.
Scott, you really do need to leave me alone.
Random Yahoo Guys, you scare me.
Jay, I'm not ditching my friends for you.
Dean, you amuse me....but I still think you're a sicko.
Bob, you really had a bad time to tell me about polyamory
David, I think I got an infection from your lip rings
Marc, why do you have to be so normal to me? Why dont you just find a way to hurt me too, it'll be fun, I promise :P
Steve, why did you move to Philly the day we met?
Jeff, thanks for tonight's convo...it caused all this..heh

So in conclusion, diary...

I just need a guy to listen. I want a friend. I do. I dont care if he has benefits, I just want one to be honest for once.

Is that too much?

Always,
Roni Ann