I decided to cheer myself up and post some jokes. Some you may have heard but I found them funny...especially the "mean poems"
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Michael invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Michael's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Michael and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Michael and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Michael volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Joanne came to Michael and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle," said Joanne. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?".
"Well," said Michael, "I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Joanne, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Joanne. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
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An old guy approaches the window of the movie theatre with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.
He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"
"I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the movie.
Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"
Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all."
Agnes says, "I know...but this one's eating my popcorn!"
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This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying 'Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!' He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"
"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."
"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.
"Why did you do that?"
"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.
"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
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A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school.
After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his bedroom and slams the door shut.
Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his bedroom to see if he is okay.
Then they find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad.
Looking at it they see under math an A+. Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son "what changed your mind about learning math?"
The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "No I will not pay $200!"
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Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he would like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.
Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That would be me before the operation.
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Billy Joe and Mary Sue, newly joined in holy matrimony, are spending their wedding night at the Motel 6 Honeymoon Suite in Parthenon, Arkansas. They've abstained from the dirty deed until this very night.
Just as Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife for the first time, she stops him. "Wait, Billy Joe. I just thought you should know... this ain't just our first time... this here is my first time ever. I'm a virgin. I been savin' myself just for you."
"Whut you say, Mary Sue?"
"I said, I'm a virgin. One hunnert percent cherry. Just for you on our weddin' night."
"Yore a VIRGIN??"
"That's right. Please be gentle."
"Gentle? Gentle my arse. I'm outta here!"
With that, Billy Joe pulls up his pants, and leaves his virgin bride lying alone. He slams the door, jumps in his pickup, and drives back home across the tracks.
"Paw! Paw! Wake up! Yore not gonna believe this!"
"Huh? Billy Joe, whut the heck you doin' here? It's 3am on yore weddin' night! Why the heck ain't you and that purty new wife of yours in a haystack somewhere?"
"Paw, I wuz all set to do just that, when Mary Sue up and tells me that she's a virgin!"
"A VIRGIN?"
"That's right, Paw. One hunnert percent cherry. As soon as she told me, I got the heck outta there as fast as I could!"
"Well, son, lemme tell you, you did the right thing... Cuz if she ain't good enough fer her own fam'ly, she certainly ain't good enough for ours!"
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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"Mean Poems"
Poem #1
I like your style
I like your class
but most of all I like your ass
Poem #2
Im a cool girl, in a cool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down
Poem #3
Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says I love you
You believe its true
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says 'to hell with you'
10 minutes of pleasure
9 months in pain
3 days in hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This never wouldn't have happened
If the rubber wouldn't have torn
Poem #4
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.
Poem #5
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.
Poem #6
Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.
Poem #7
Holy mother, full of grace
Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe from all the girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Keep his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one I sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fucked
And if my Mom happened to walk in
Bless the shit I'd be in.
Poem #8
Sex is when a guys communication
Enters a girls information
To increase the population
For a younger generation
Do you get the information...
Or do you need a demonstration
Poem #9
Men are like public toilets
They are either engaged or full of shit!
Poem #10
If guys had they periods
They would compare the size of their tampons!
Poem #11
Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with men!
Poem #12
Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When I think of you
Ohh baby I get horny,
Eat me,
Beat me,
Bite me,
Blow me,
Suck me,
Fuck me,
Very slowly,
If you kiss me,
Dont be sassy,
Use your tongue and make it nasty!
Poem #13
Roses are red, violets are blue,
I'm in love but not with you,
When we broke up you thought I cried,
But all it was,
Was another guy,
You told your friends that I was a trick,
I told mine that you had a weak dick,
I said I loved you,
And you thought it was true,
But guess what baby,
You got played too!
Poem #14
Guys are like parking spots...
The good ones are always taken...
And the ones that are available,
Are either handicapped or too far away!
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Wasn't that fun?
Now back to ...sitting here...