Yeah yeah, it's me again. I cant believe I keep postin in here so much but not really saying how I feel.

I feel so sick these days. I dont remember being this sick before when I was pregnant. The morning sickness is really annoying. I'm under a lot of stress and I know it's bad to be. I'm just really sad and confused and alone.

I keep saying I'm going back to UMR in fall but I always leave a detail out...what if I actually have this baby? Then what? Am I giving up on everything?

I wanted to talk to Josh about it. I thought since he went through it with me, (well not really but he was the dad of the twins) then he might know how I feel. I wanted to tell him how I'm scared I'll lose this baby like I did Annastrianna and Alexis. I wanted to know if he thought I should tell Nick. But I cant truly talk to Josh anymore. It's not the same and I feel like I'm all petty in his mind. He's got his own shit to worry about and honestly I feel like he'd be better off if I dont talk to him. He makes me sad anyway. To know how fast he moved on and got over it and how he thinks "shit happens" when I feel sad over losing his children. Maybe I live in the past too much, but it just isnt good for me to talk to him.

I dont even really smile. I dont even grin. I dont remember when I had a real laugh. Yeah I type "LOL" but big fucking deal, most the time I'm not even giggling. Jeff is nice and all but honestly, he's too far and I dont want a boyfriend. I'm not likable and apparently not girlfriend material.

I feel guilty for not telling Nick but at the same time, he probably doesnt care. Which is odd too. He seemed to care the whole time and why would he be so different in his little breakup speech? It doesnt make sense to me but I figure why tell him the sex of the baby or when it's born or anything if he doesnt care?

Apparently it's kinda obvious with all my puking and stuff that I'm pregnant. I guess my secret is getting out. Damn it. They ask what I'm going to do about it, but why tell when no one wants to know how I truly feel?

I just feel like no one understands me.

They dont know how I fear I cant carry this kid or how I'll lose it like I did Annastrianna/Alexis.

They dont know how I cant move on past things because I dont know how.

They dont know how every night now I cry myself to sleep.

They dont know that I'm so sick of everything.

They dont know.

No one does.

It's just...sad. Pathetic, really. I'm 20, I shouldnt be this depressed and whiny.

I'm not going to answer my phone, dont call.

I'm not going to respond to emails, I doubt I"ll read them.

I'm not going to be online all the time.

I just dont want to be around anyone. I'm too sad.

Why cant these guys ever talk to me and listen?

Josh, fucking listen to me. You want to know why I dont get to the point during a convo, because it's useless to you and you dont give a fuck. That's why.

Nick, where the hell are you?

Someone? Hello? I'm just alone and....no one knows how I feel.

I dont go anywhere or do anything...I dont want to.

I just am going to stay in this house, go to classes, pretend to do homework, and someday figure out how to tell this kid who his/her daddy is...

GAH, I HATE MY LIFE