I have this weird feeling about today.
Somethings going to happen...I don't know if it's good or bad and I don't know what it is...but something is going to happen.
Do you ever just have those feelings?
I had a very...um...strange dream last night. I was holding my baby and talking to him. He was so beautiful. I kept telling him how much I loved him. He just sorta...smiled. Then of course, it was because of gas...but still. But then everything around us disappeared and it was just me and the baby. I couldn't find anyone...not even it's daddy. When he realized this, he started crying...and then I started crying. Then, I started telling him everything. I just started talking to him and telling him how I'd always be there and suddenly, everything started coming back. People and things started reappearing and we were no longer alone. Then it like flashed to his first birthday and it was such a happy event but the baby couldn't get enough of his daddy. I felt...I don't know. There was this contentment with watching him cuddle with daddy. Then, everything disappeared again except for the 3 of us. And we all 3 just sorta sit there and smiled. Then, the floor reappeared, opened up...and I fell through it. I was alone and I could just see the baby and Josh off in the distance but not get to them. It's like they couldn't see or hear me. I was freaking out and then I heard Josh say "I'm sorry your mommy didn't pick herself. I really wish she would have...I can't do this alone." and I'm like what? I realized then, that I wasn't alive. I was dead! I was on the outside looking in. I hadn't been with my baby for real, I had just been kind lingering around it. I wanted so badly to be with it. But I couldn't. I started crying and crying and it's like I knocked myself out or something because then my dream flashed to me in the hospital. I kept asking for my baby and they kept saying "I'm sorry" and I couldn't understand. I had picked myself, not the baby. Then everything disappeared again. By this point, I'm like "ok, this mind game is sooo not cool" and this voice (sounding like Josh) said "it's not a game...you must choose" This time I saw Josh off in the distance...just him. I couldn't get to him. I couldn't and I couldn't figure out why. Then I found out, it's because I pushed him away for good when I lost the baby. I started crying and crying and then my dream flashed again. This time, I wasn't dead and neither was the baby. We both were lying in the hospital...I was just looking and counting it's little toes. I promised it. I looked in it's little eyes and told it that everything would be ok. Then this nurse asked me "so have you made a decision?" and I'm like "what?" and she goes "that's what I thought...you have to make a decision" and I was left alone with the baby. I just kept looking at him. He was so beautiful...so...angelic. But there was this sadness. I couldn't figure out why. I just couldn't. Then, for the last time, my dream flashed. I landed on the ground. It was night and so cold. I saw this beautiful toddler walk towards me. He had this sadness to him. He didn't say a word, but continued to wobble over to this graveyard. I followed him. There was Josh. He was crying over a grave. The toddler wobbled closer and sat down beside Josh and just watched. His little eyes were glued on Josh. I said "Josh, is that you?" and no answer. "Josh?"...no answer. I walked closer. "Hello?"...no answer. I reached out to touch his shoulder and there was just coldness. There was nothing. It was then I saw the grave was mine and beside it was the baby's. I looked at the toddler and it just got this smirk...that same gamers smirk his daddy gets when he programs a computer. I felt this horrible sinking. Why was Josh so upset? Why? I wanted to cry but the lump in my throat wouldn't let me. I went to pick up the toddler...my baby...but it just looked at me. It didn't want me. It kissed it's daddy on the cheek and then disappeared. I was alone and watching this sight and couldn't do a thing. I felt so helpless and so sad. He spoke and I thought maybe he knew I was there. "Damn it, Roni...couldn't you have quit being so...so...stupid and just have picked? I told you...I asked you. I wanted YOU to live. I loved my baby, but I can't handle this. Damn it." And he sounded so angry and hurt and those words sliced through me. Then, the wind started to blow and it started to rain. He just stayed there. He dug in his pocket...dug something out and placed it between mine and the baby's grave. He wiped his eyes and walked off...didn't even say a word. I was scared to look. What could he have left? It was a toy truck. A little toy truck but it wasn't just a truck. Inside the cab was a mini. It looked kinda like an elf, but I'm not sure. It was painted and glued perfectly in spot. In the back of the truck was painted words that read "until we all meet again" and I was like "what????" and I started crying and everything started to fade. About that time, I woke up.
I feel horrible this morning and my throat's a little sore. I woke up freezing though. I was like an ice cube. I still am and I've been covered up.
I feel like that dream was trying to tell me something. It was just so...creepy. It all felt so real.
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I'm tired. I feel like I didn't sleep even though I know I did...otherwise, I couldn't have had the dream. I am sick and sore. My back is kinda hurting, too and I'm still cold. *Looks down*...where did those suckers come from? I think my boobs grew like a cup size or something last night...DAMN. They are heavy today and very sensitive. *poses by the mirror*...Can I keep them though? :P
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I'm not feeling so great. I doubt I'll post again later. Have a good day though.
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WAIT, before I go for the day...what do you think the dream meant? I mean, obviously it means I have to pick. But, it's so whacky at the same time. I mean...why would there be a truck and a mini? Stuff like that doesn't make too much sense because I know it wouldn't happen. Ugh, why do I have to decide? Why? This is like the hardest decision...ever. Maybe my trip this weekend will help me decide. A friend of mine and I are discussing going to Quincy over Easter break. I was going to go to one of the parks and try to think about what I want to do. I just don't know. I mean, it might be pretty freaky when she drops me off in Quincy. But maybe that's what I need. Me, the park, and a decision to make. Why you don't you just go to Rothwell, Roni? Why do that when I can have my choice of all the Quincy parks? I think we'll just go straight to one of the parks...she'll drop me off. I'll have her come back in a few hours...she will and we'll have a picnic or something and then come back home. I don't know though. Maybe it'll help...maybe...