I know it's worthless to say this b/c people tend to be nosy...but please don't read this. This is for Josh only. I only put it here because I wanted to reassure he'd get it. My email is goofy. Please, I'm begging you...don't read this. It's just for him. Please? I'll lock this if I have to. I'll just give the password to Josh. Please, this is the one entry that I ask you not to read. Please. Thank you.

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Josh, I sent this email to you twice. The first time it came back to me. I've been bombarding you with too many emails. So I'm posting it here in case this one bounces back to me, too.

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Josh,

There's nothing I can say. There's nothing I can do. I'm sick and tired of hurting you. Tired of trying to figure out what you want me to be. You say to be myself, but I don't even know me anymore. I've screwed up, big time. I've lost a lot. I may hate you for being here...but I love you just the same. Don't give up on me. Please? The truth is, I start hating you the day you started loving me. It scared me. I knew I was capable of hurting you and I thought if I got rid of you as soon as I could, I could spare us both a lot of pain. Unfortunately, you cared more than I thought and I couldn't get rid of you. In the process, I was hurting myself and thus hurting you more. I could go on and try to explain, but it's so hard to understand. I was such a bitch about it. I was just so scared of loving you. I was so scared of one of us getting hurt. Then, when I realized I didn't want to marry you anymore, I felt like hell. I mean, how could I feel like marriage was no longer an option? Then, after a while, it seemed like we were friends with benefits. I felt crushed. But, before I knew it, things seemed to get better. I was getting nicer, or so I thought. I remember you called once and said "fuck this absense makes the heart go stronger shit, I need you". Then, when we would continue to have our ups and downs, I was still scared. I was always worried. It's like if I could make you jealous...make you show me that you cared, that I knew I couldn't lose you...but in the process, I was pushing you away. I never wanted you to leave. Then we had sex. I realized I could never let you out of my life. You had the most valuable and sacred gift I could give anyone and to make it more special, I had the same gift from you. We loved each other. We were in love. But then, I had to leave. I didn't want to, but I had to. I felt hurt when you were supportive. I mean, you thought you needed to be strong, but I WANTED to know that you didnt want me to leave and when you let me, it hurt bad. Then I barely saw you and you got harder to get a hold of. I thought I ruined things. January rolled around. We had a little break so to speak. But that didnt work. We were talking more than ever and that's when I realized I loved you as a friend, too. I wanted to see if you could find another girl when you told me you'd "let me go" if I found someone I'd rather be with...but when I started actually looking...the truth scared me. You were the only guy I wanted. I can't even conceive the thought of ever kissing another guy and when David had kissed me on the cheek, it scared the hell out of me. Then, we made up...we made a baby. We were still in love and I hadnt lost you yet. I was on cloud 9. But things didnt go so great. You started having problems and needed me as a friend and wanted to slow things down but I didnt understand. I was so caught up in my own life, that I was kicking you out of it. February came and so did heart ache. You stopped saying you loved me. You stopped being there when I wanted to tell you about my cancer. I know I dont let you off the phone. I know sometimes I annoy the hell out of you. The truth is, I do it b/c I'm scared. I'm always scared it's the last time I will talk to you. I'm scared I've lost you for good this time. I tried not to be intimate with you much in February, but it was hard. I'm attracted to you in so many ways and I loved you. I just wanted to express it but I failed to realize my flaw. By expressing it that way...it was empty. You needed to feel the friendship and to have your own space. You needed me to trust you'd be there and let you off the phone. You needed something and I didnt return it. You broke my heart. All I could think of was how hurt I was that you said you didnt love me and how hurt I was about the cancer. I just wanted to die. Then, I start hearing about Katie and that you had replaced me long before we broke up. It killed me. You didn't even want to be my friend at first and wouldnt even talk to me. I didnt understand. I was so confused. But you thought I had to find out on my own...and it hurts, so bad. Finally you said you'd be my friend again...but that you'd never ever date me again. Then the story changed a little and you changed "never ever" to doubt. I wanted you back so bad that I didnt see how much I was still hurting you. I didnt see that you needed to date someone else. You needed to see that you loved me and I needed to stop hurting you. Counseling...the break down...alll of that made it worse. I mean, it showed you that I was like obsessive or something and then you feared I'd always smother you. I felt better about you agreeing to be my friend...and I said I was going to give you your space...but then I went to the doctor. I found out I was pregnant. It scared me. I was so praying that she was wrong. But they aren't wrong and you've seen the proof. I now knew that no matter how much I could try to push you or how much I wanted you out of my life, you could never be. We have a baby and even if it dies, we always HAD a baby. I was scared you'd hate me. I was scared you would think that I wanted it. But I did and didnt. I wanted a baby, yes...b/c I loved the thought of it being ours. It's ours. But I'm so scared I wont be a good mom and I'm so scared you wont be in it's life as much as it deserves. I dont want it to see you just on weekends or holidays. Then I thought a psycho thought...maybe marriage was the answer. But no, then we'd just be miserable forever knowing we married for a stupid reason. Besides, I'm never going to get married now. I dont know if I ever want to even love again. I'm just going to hurt them and get hurt. I was so confused about us. Then I got in this huge depression. My family hated me...my friends hated me...I hated me. I wanted to die. I wanted to so bad. But you cared. For some reason, you cared. You didnt really talk me out of it that night, but you did make me realize that if I died, I might, just might, be hurting you yet again. I tried to get past it. I did try. But it was getting hard. I have to decide about the baby and my life and I can't even decide if I want another piercing or not. Things confused me. Then, I saw you yesterday. It was weird. It was like we had this old friend thing going, with a hint of flirting or something. I dont know. But we can never be "just friends"...not now...we crossed that line already. But I don't know what we are. I mean, we're definitely never going to date again...but what the hell are we? I mean, are we stuck somewhere between best friends and parents? I mean, what the fuck are we? I'm so confused. Then I started beating myself up last night thinking about how I blew up at you so easily. I started getting depressed when I realized I'm still selfish and still so stupid. I'm really trying to change though. But I got to thinking...don't save me or the baby...just get rid of us both. Why? I wouldnt have to fill like I murdered it. It wouldnt feel like it murdered me. We could be together. But then I started thinking crazy shit again. I was emotionally going up and down...up and down...and was so confused. I wanted to die again. You sounded so angry...so tired of it. I felt horrible. I thought for sure I hurt you again. How can I keep being so selfish and bitchy? I'm scared but I'm sure you are, too. It hurt when you were a smart aleck though and when you'd make it sound like I was stupid. You said I wasnt stupid but the actions were. I just got so confused again. I didn't let you off the phone b/c I knew I had crossed the line. You sounded pissed and I figured I'd never hear from you again and it killed me. I hurt so bad. We got off the phone and I cried...and cried...and cried....and cried. I listened to sad music. I posted in my journal. I was heartbroken, confused, and scared. I didn't know what to do. And then you thinking I did it to get you back, that pissed me off. I'm not THAT stupid. I know that's not the way to get you back anyway. Besides, you don't want me back...remember? So, here I am. Amanda came by to see me. We talked and talked. She told me her sob story and I told her mine. Then she said it..."Roni, I KNOW you are capable of killing yourself. And it does scare me b/c I know you don't know what to do with these feelings and I can see it in your eyes" Then I got a smack, smack. I started spiralling down again. I can't keep going up and down. This is killing me...and if not my entirety, it's killing my soul and hurting your baby. I do want us to be friends and I do know that I can't fix it. I do know I need to change and I do know that I'm willing to change. I want to know if I really have your support though and if you really do love me. I want to know how you feel about everything. I'm so sorry, Josh. I'm sorry for hurting you and the baby. I'm also so confused. I'm tired of this up and down bull. I'm tired of being scared and hurt. I'm tired of it all. I want out and I don't know how. BUT, I'm willing to try. I'm willing to listen. If you can say anything, please do. Please. You're the only one I trust and the only one that truly cares. Please don't give up on me.

~Roni Ann